Weekly Note

SEPTEMBER NOTE

For those of you who read this note regularly I apologise for not fulfilling my commitment to a weekly note. We have had a death in the family and a number of health challenges this month. I know I am not alone, as many of my coaching clients have been challenged with flu and recurring bronchitis like myself.

So what can we learn from such experiences?

Admitting that I do not have the energy to carry the usual load of a busy family and work and extra meetings can make one feel like such a failure. Alternatively, it can create a number of opportunities for other people in your life to show their capabilities and strengths. By having to ask for help with meal preparation, or to take documents to an office, it is amazing who comes forward to volunteer! Imagine all the goodwill we would never see or experience if we keep going in the fast track?

So I offer you a different way of looking at times such as I have experienced this Winter and early Spring - instead of doom, gloom and guilt. I can rejoice that I have found my teenagers to be more willing to go the extra mile for the sake of the family and peers and colleagues in the coaching and facilitation world that I work in, who have happily rescheduled meetings and found benefit in the later appointments that we have had.

Being true to yourself, somehow makes it easier to be true to others. This invites others to be true to you. When they see congruent behaviour, they want to be congruent too. All of this makes for easier, transparent relationships whether of a personal or professional nature. It allows us to see that we are part of a bigger community, connected to eachother and that while we may have our differences, we also share a lot in common.

Sometimes we need to reminded ourselves what we have been missing out on -this is one of the lessons I have learned over these last three months!

Now Spring is here, the trees are in blossom, - how are you going to blossom this spring? Perhaps you know you want change the way you relate to a particular person, or situation? Maybe you are at a cross roads in your life, needing to make a big decision and you are just not sure what to do? Call me for a free 30 minute coaching session - if you find it beneficial, you can book for a series of coaching sessions immediately. We can meet in person, or online (skype). contact me on 011 787 2528 or email stephd@choicechildcare.co.za

AUGUST NOTE 3

I am a member of a number of online parenting groups which discuss thoughts and concerns around parenting (most contributer's are Moms) Recently one of the key topics is "how to help kids be successful in school" - of course in the northern hemisphere their Summer is coming to and end and the start of the academic year is around the corner! What is interesting to me, is that some parents think this task of being successful at school starts now as their child is preparing to pack their bag for "BIG SCHOOL" - however the preparation for this big day of starting school started the day your child was born!t
How can this be? I hear a number of you wail! Well if we go with the Every stage of development is the prepartion for the next phase coming. e.g. a baby cannot start to sit until she has spent enough time on the floor on her tummy to strengthen her neck to back muscles so that they can hold up her head (the heaviest part of the body). A baby learning to walk will find it easier if they have spent a lot of time strengthening their muscles crawling first and so on.

All teachers will say that children going to school need to eat well, sleep well, lots of gross motor play, to be able to concentrate in class. But you cannot make that happen over night! So the preparation for school starts many years before. So that your child will understand the purpose of a routine and equipment needing to cared for as well as used properly, the importance of being able to listen to an instruction and carry out the deed. To participate in a group, and be kind to your peers, many things need to have happened during the pre - school years.

Children learn by example. So they need to experience the regular routine of meal times, play times, bath times, bed times. They learn trust through parents putting into practice what they say - for example "when it is six o'clock we are going to tidy up the lego and go and have a bath" - and for the parent to implement that. For parents to be involved and making the routine activities fun and enjoyable not a chore. But by keeping to the routine your child will learn about the proper timing of activities. If you do not actively guide your child through these phases of life, your child does not have the boundaries they are searching for which in turn makes their anxiety levels go up, their behaviour more out of control and they will battle to cope with school.

So as Spring is around the corner, do not just spring clean your home, spring clean your family routines and head into Summer with a fresh new approach of calm consistency, and your children will settle into a great new routine where you can all benefit!

As a parent coach I am being called to help parents create new routines, new systems in their home and coaching them to a place of independence themselves. It is my joy and privilege to share these skills with parents who feel lost and overwhelmed in the sea of "family life". If you would like some support in this area, ,please contact me via the website at www.choicechildcare.co.za

Many of you know that I write the weekly Supernanny column in The Times - this week I was presented with a query about the etiquette of toddler social gatherings. This also linked in with a question a regular coaching client had "about the benefits of mothers and babies getting together for tea". Her premise was such "playdates were mainly for the mother's benefit rather than the babies.

The journey of parenthood is a very personal one. Many things factor into what is pertinent for each parent concerned. A primary deciding factor is your own personality in terms of whether you are an extrovert and find such arrangements uplifting and energising or an introvert and experience them as draining. Many Moms thrive in such gatherings as they benefit from the company of others in a similar situation to themselves. Being a Mom at home can be quite an isolating experience. Even if you are working, you may not have much time to have "Mommy talk" at work and feel "out of touch with others.

Firstly there is adult company with people who directly understand your circumstances of possible exhaustions, sleep depriavtion and lacking adult company and exercising the grey matter!

Do the children really benefit? Play dates are not a vital ingredient to their development until rising three, if they have a dedicated care-giver who is providing stimulating care, however if Mom is relaxed and the venue is child proofed, this kind of group provides the stimulation of a new environment, other small children to watch and learn from, to be inspired to try new actions eg watching a toddler get up and walk, inspire your baby to experiment with progressing from crawling to standing or standing to taking steps.

If the Mom's are ignoring the children, the group will speedily disintegrate into mayhem! So it is in everybody's best interest for parents to be interactively involved in their children's play!

If the infant and toddler feel safe and secure with Mom or Dad close by, children are typically less demanding than if they feel ignored. So ensure that all such gatherings there are appropriate activities setup for the children to participate in and facilitated by their parents or a dedicated care-giver.

All of this goes a long way to the children benefiting from such play dates at a young age and Mom's feeling supported.

August Note 1

Last week I was facilitating a workshop on "Finding work-life balance" for an international corporate in the north of Johannesburg.

I was excited that a number of Dad's came along to the workshop as well as Mom's - a reflection of us really living in a new age where Dad's feel as responsible of their parenting role as Mom's.

To start the session I asked if anyone had experience of work-life balance? The room was stunned into silence as one tentative hand went up - then I asked "Is there anyone here who does not experience work-life balance ? Just about every hand in the room went up!

The I asked how not having work-life balance manifested itself in their lives - many answers came from the group gathered, some of which I will list here:
1) a feeling of being 'torn in two'
2)fear of not being a good enough parent
3)anxiety
4)always distracted
5) guilty of taking time off work, guilty of taking time away from my children
6)want to prioritise my children, but work always wins

and many other feelings were voiced showing that life was far from balanced, and a sense that wherever the parent was, at work or home, she or he was distracted by the other commitments and responsibilities they held.

It was amazing to be in a room where people were prepared to be so real!

There is fabulous new research from the USA showing that work-life balance is as much an issue for men as women and this was reflected in our group in Johannesburg last week. The research shows that by focusing on a certain responsibility fully for a required length of time seems to be the way to create life balance. That spending a little time each day prioritising what has to be done, what needs to be done and what will benefit if it gets done is the first step to taking control of the overwhelming feeling of everything spinning out of control. The misnomer of multi -tasking means that a lot of things get half done and little if anything gets completed.

Imagine if you were focused on a conversation completely so you heard every word and nuance of what the person was saying - now imagine that you gave that kind of attention to your child as you collected them from school or their nanny?
The key step to finding work-life balance is to be focused on what you are doing in the moment. If you are greeting your child, trying to get them into their car seat, and taking a business call on your blackberry at the same time - everyone is compromised - everyone is cheated - everyone feels like they do not matter. In the work context this can be the difference between winning or retaining a client. For the family it creates a experience of rejection.

So while it is not possible to completely compartmentalise every minute of every day or to delegate every responsibility these are two skills that are helpful to incorporate into your tool box of life.

If you take a moment and contemplate one regular experience in your day that you feel you want to gain some balance in. Taking note of how you experience that particular issue _ for example bedtime for your children is "absolute chaos" as one of the workshop participants called it, we can then focus on what would happen to "bedtime chaos" if there was work-life balance ? Our participant identified it as "Bedtime peace"
Bedtime peace is possible when you focus on creating it one step at a time - if we take time to focus on this concern, just taking a few moment of reflection will surface some of the answers that are within.
At the end of our workshop, this participant had an action plan of how to bring balance to her evening chaos. Suddenly Bedtime peace was within reach. She was going to start implementing her new insights that night.

If you would like to gain more joy and pleasure in your everyday family routines please contact me through the website for a parent coaching session - this can happen face to face, or over the phone or online at a time that suits you.

Have a fabulous week as we celebrate Women's Day!

Steph

July Note 1

I was reading a blog this week and the author was asking why parents are always self doutbing their parenting ability? I pondered the content for a while and remembered how confidently I had approached becoming a parent and remembered how anxious I became in labour and was so exhausted by the time my first daughter was born that I was terrified to hold her because of fear of dropping her!

The journey of parenthood is a very individual one, each relationship is unique with each child. We live in a generation where there is so much information at our finger tips we sometimes forget to listen to our hearts, our inner voice that can guide us.

So if you are questioning should I let my child do this or that? Was I too strict or to lenient- when trying to work out fair disciplining.
Take a moment and ask that question to your heart and wait quietly and the answer will emerge - often proved to be just the right action for the moment!

If you would like to know about that voice deep inside please contact me via the website email for a coaching session on intuition or contact me on 082 888 1584

June Weekly Note.2

As I responded to the alarm clock this morning and walked through to the kitchen to perform my morning ritual of grinding coffee beans anmd preparing the coffee machine to create that wonderful aroma that is just the best way ever to start the day....I found my mind wandering elsewhere and tinking about a client I am coaching at the moment who is battling with getting her her sleepy toddler and even more dreamy pre-schooler up each morning.

As I pondered the stories she has shared with me, I was reflecting on my Stephen Covey mantra of "start with the end in mind" - if we go to bed early enough at night, getting up in the morning is not such a struggle - even for those who declare they are "not morning people"! But how often do we rush the end of the day forgetting how that impacts on the next day?

It is one thing for us, as adults, to push the boundaries of late nights, but young children cannot make an objective choice in the full knowledge of what lies ahead the next morning.

As parents we need to take charge of the routine, day and night, and implement it with love and understanding and a measure of fun thrown in too! To have happy children, we need to have well rested children, who are secure in their relationships with their family. That means to certain degree life is predictable, familiar and calm.

If you build a foundation of family life around these traits, you are building a solid foundation for your children to cope with experimenting with bigger life issues of life later on!

June Weekly Note .1

Can we raise genederless children?

This question was raised on a radio show this morning....thought provoking, given how open our society is today! How often do we speak to our children as if they should only have particular interests because they are a boy or a girl. What defines female or male behaviour or interests?

I have seen fathers take offence seeing their son in the "home corner" at a nursery school dressing up and holding a doll, acting out being a "Mommy" and others who have specifically tried to get their daughters interested in cars and technical stuff because they think it is important!

It seemed from the radio show that it was okay to toughen up girls into technically minded little people through games and toys but not acceptable to let boys do the softer stuff!

So what are your thoughts? Have you ever stopped to think how you are gender training your child?

In my years of experience, children will naturally rotate through different phases of play when given equal exposure to play equipment. For example a boy of two or three years old will happily play in the home corner and "cook food, feed baby, change a nappy" and so on when he has a new baby in his home - he is acting out what he is experiencing. He will be equally happy playing with cars outside a few minutes later! A girl of a similar age who spends more time with her Dad or big brother tinkering in the garage, may be found playing with meccano or lego as she is playing "house-house" for the same reason!

We do ourselves and our children a disservice by trying to influence their development by directing it in a particular way in their formative years into particularly male or female or tansgender roles.

Rather, providing a variety of play environments that will stimulate their development through age appropriate concrete play materials, imagination, intellectually developing games, creative activities in an emotionally safe and secure environment, where relationships can develop and social skills mature appropriately, we are offering our children a holistic start to life.

Ultimately we have been created male and female, we cannot change that!

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Apologies for there not being a weekly, weekly note in May 2011

May Weekly Note .1

I trust your mother's day was full of joyous moments?
I imagine that most of the people reading this weekly parenting note are still in the phase of motherhood when you receive cards with artisic scribbles that say "I LOVE YOU MOM" and cups of juice poured from your best china teapot for your early morning cuppa! Such wonderful moments are to be treasured up for a lifetime of memories.Do you keep a journal of such happy moments?

I have a file where all the cards and special drawings that my four children have given me over the years are kept - having been a parent for almost twenty-four years, the files are bulging with their gifts! We can now share magical moments rummaging our way through these special art collections now that they are young adults!

For those of us who have lost our mothers throguh death or divorce, a special day like Mother's Day is not always full of fun and laughter. But it can be a time to remember, to thank God for the role they played in your life. Some of us have mother figures who fulfil the role of "Mom" in our lives - For me, I always buy a bunch of flowers in her memory and plant freesia bulbs at this season, which were her favourite flowers of all time!

For those of us who are not so philosophical , I thought I would add this link below which I received yesterday - my friend and I both have sons studying micro biology at university and this made us roar with laughter - hope you do too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osWuWjbeO-Y&feature=player_embedded

APRIL/MAY WEEKEND

As this morning dawned and my husband and I were getting ready to go for an early morning cycle, I could not help but wonder where the time had gone - just one week ago we were waking up in the Bush, with the sound of the Olifants River flowing just a stones throw away from where our bed was situated within the safety of a thatched bungalow! Having arrived in the dark the night before, and been woken in the middle of the night with the snorting of hippo...it was a relief to see in the light of day that there was indeed electric fencing between us and the river so if any hippo had tried to stray up through the reeds they would have found the fence in the dark before us!

Safety nets in place for "just in case" is something we do not always think about in terms of our parenting. As our children become mobile we need to be three steps ahead of what they might trip over, electric plugs need to be covered and so on. As we progress with our children we teach them to "not talk to strangers" and to always tell the truth.

It's also a helpful process to have one or two close adult family relations or friends that you can rely on to support you and your children if times are tough. This is a conversation that is worth having when things are calm and you have time to think who you would like to care for your children if you were not able to for whatever reason. Take time to ponder who would hold the same values and similar parenting style to yourself?

Going through the process of adolescence, children find it really hard to talk to their own parents whether it is hitting out at boundaries or just feeling life has thrown you are real hard deal and teens who feel like their parents "just do not get it"! - there are times you may need the safety net of those friendships or it may be that your children need the sanctuary of that friend's home for a break and to get some perspective on life!

It may be worthwhile to take a moment, particularly if you parent alone and check what safety-nets you may need to put in place!

Enjoy the rest of the holidays!

APRIL WEEKLY NOTE 2

I was following a "tweet" the other day and came across this comment :-

Be a great role model to your child today, smile more often than frown and say "yes" more often than "no"

How many times have you said "YES" today?

I think this is a great reminder for us as parents ! The old adage of "Smile and the whole world will smile with you" holds true - our brains are programmed to respond to other people's smiles with a smile and if we lightened up a bit and smile with our children more maybe the day would not seem so heady. If our children are smiling then we will smile more!

If we are really conscious of the moment we find ourselves in, then our conversation with our children will be more connected. If our conversation is more connected, we will mean what we say and fulfill the promise of the "yes" and mean the "no" when we say it. Thus our communication will be more creative, connected and meaningful!

It apparently takes 17 muscles to smile and 40 to frown - so enjoy smiling to day and everyday :) and get connected to your loved ones!

APRIL WEEKLY NOTE 1

Are you a parent wishing your child would busy himself and not need you for every moment of his waking day or are you engaged in opening up the world by discovery and experiment by including him everything you do? One approach is pushing him away and the other is inclusive, inviting him into your world....Funny how everything changes as children head into puberty. They do not want to tell you anything , only consider their peers to be of any support and importance a and as parent we are almost begging for them to let us into their world!

Is this a case of what goes around, comes around? No rather it is a normal stage of child development. As children reach the teenage years, it may appear that we are relegated to the outside circle, only useful for taxi and financial services! However research has shown the impact of involved and interested parents will always be on the high priority list of teens needs.

Whatever their personality type, children want to know that they are loved, wanted, needed and accepted when they are small and especially when they are going through the adolescent phase of life, even if their behaviour does not show it! The more you include your children in everyday activities while young, the more they will participate when older.Quality interactive play when young paves the way for quality shared time in the teenage years and beyond.

Enjoy your child and have a fabulous week.

MARCH WEEKLY NOTE 6

This last weekend we were invited to a "Grateful Party"... the invitation came via email full of colour and digital tricks (using skills I do not possess!) It was clear that this event was a tradition for this family to host and we felt really excited about being included by these new friends. - The invitation listed a number of the frustrations that beset residents of Jo'burg like potholes, traffic jams, robots not working, crime and so on - it then said although we live amidst these things, we can be grateful for... and started to list in the hosts case the medical support that he needed when he had a near fatal cycling accident last year, giving thanks for his family and so on - all guests were invited to bring an item to share with the rest of the party, what we were grateful for.

As we turned into their road, it was clear from the number of cars parked up on the pavements that this was going to be a big gathering - I did not check the exact number but it must have been in excess of forty adults and many many children from babes in arms to teenagers.

The day progressed from drinks and lunch to now being called to gather in a room which was named for the day "The Grateful Room" and family by family,couple by couple, individual by individual stood up to share a little of their life story and what they were grateful for - It was so joyous to share in a four year old explaining her drawing of her "potato men family saying "Thank you God for my Mommy and Daddy and my sister" and a Grandpa sitting across the room from his wife and she thanking him for forty three years of marriage which they had sojourned together, with many words of encouragement for younger couples in the gathering. Youngsters had prepared mini video clips of family events and what they enjoy and are grateful for.Power point presentations prepared by primary school aged children for us all to share in the laughter and fun. Ditties and poems made up on the spot for the day that brought laughter to all.

Including our children in this experience enabled them to know they were so appreciated in the midst of all the challenges and stressors their parents face.

The bumper sticker that used to be so popular a few years ago questioned "Have you hugged your kid today?" It could be replaced with "Have you told your child how grateful you are to have them in your life, today?"

SO I place the challenge before you today, to think of three people or experiences that YOU are grateful for and share the story with someone today!

Have a fabulous week!

MARCH WEEKLY NOTE 5

Firstly, I need to apologise that we have had a gremlin in our system - so for those of you who have signed up for our weekly note we are sorry that they have not been arriving in your inbox - hopefully we have solved the problem!

And because of the above paragraph we are going to look at how our children learn to apologise.....

So often we expect our children to say "Sorry" for things they have done such as grabbing a toy from a sibling or a friend, toddlers biting to get their own way in playgroup or throwing a plate down from the table and so the list could go on - however we are so busy instructing them to say sorry that we miss out on the real lesson which is to discover why the incident happened and getting to the root cause thus getting to an authentic reconcilliation between the two parties concerned. Now this might seem like real grown-up talk but what does "sorry " mean? The Merriam Webster dictionary describes it as" feeling sorry, regret, mournful" - how many times do our children say sorry over the shoulder and carry on to repeat the same action that caused the damage in the first place?

Sometimes children are too young to have the vocabulary to express that something is wrong, but that does not mean they do not understand the words we speak.....so to help them grow in their own EQ and understanding we can help them by saying " It looks like you are cross with your little brother because he took your truck?" and your toddler will confirm with a "yes" or "mm mm" and then you can go on to explain that it is not okay to bite, because biting hurts, next time this happens, come and ask Mommy to help you if your brother will not give you back your toy. Then bring both the children together and they can say "sorry "to eachother. If the younger brother is too young to be taken through a similar process then it is a lesson for the "big brother " to be gentle with the younger one.

By taking time in the toddler years, teaching your children these little steps, you are laying an important foundation of communication for life.

WEEKLY PARENTING NOTE 4

Family meals....

I was watching a mom trying to feed her toddler the other day at a coffee shop and it was turning into a messy party as he was desperate to feed himself!

My mind wandered back to my phase of feeding toddler twins (who are now 18 years old!) and remembering the fun we had around the table with two high chairs and me in between, alternating between one and then the other with spoonfuls of food and balancing cups of juice!

Without question, the best thing was to give them each a spoon to hold and some finger food to practice feeding themselves in between spoonfuls of whatever the meal really consisted of. I was always amazed at their interest in a "baby tree" (broccoli stalk) or chomping on a "walking stick" (carrot or celery stick) or for breakfast a "soldier" (a narrow slice of French toast)!

I am often asked how I coped in those days with four children under the age of six? Around the issue of food, mealtimes were always together times, focused on a time to share with everyone gathered around the table, big sisters helping the twins when they dropped a spoon or a cup from their high chairs and chatting about their day. Interestingly, my children have always loved their vegetables and never been fussy eaters. I think it was because in the early years we did not worry about how many mouthfuls were eaten, but rather thrived on the shared experience.

Perhaps if you can slow down a little and share a mealtime at least once a day with your family and see what fun it is to fall back into some good old fashioned family meals together, the nightmare of getting children to eat, will also turn into an enjoyable shared time each day.

WEEKLY PARENTING NOTE 3

zThe other day I was reading a mother's blog - she is pregnant with her third child and she was lamenting that only now, 8 weeks away from giving birth, she was wondering how she would cope with three children! She gave a long list of how busy she is each day with both of her children and how having three would just throw the balance!

It made me think about having four! And now I have two step children too - so AA Milne's Winnie the Pooh book "Now we are six" takes on a whole new dimention for me!

Fortunately, we usually increase our family size one baby at a time, however I jumped from two to four, and I have a colleague who jumped from one to four - yes I have twins and she has triplets! Interestingly, all five were in Matric last year - and we as parents have survived!

It is good to ponder ahead of time how many children you would both like to have, but the wonderful thing about human beings is that we are adaptable and although we may feel life throws us a curved ball or two .... or three ... we somehow can adjust, adapt, and overcome the obstacles that sometimes come our way.

So to all the Moms and Dads who have just discovered that another one is on the way - congratulations and may you feel blessed as I feel blessed to have all the chidlren in my family.

WEEKLY PARENTING NOTE 2

I was driving to my office yesterday morning and found myself following a car with a woman driver and two children in the back of the car. The silhouette of the child jumping up and down between the front seats was what caught my eye. As we pulled away from the lights and the driver sped up the child fell forward into the front of the car - the actions of teh driver were quite animated as she tried to negotiate the road and pull the child back into an upright position.He continued to jump up and down and swing on the headrest and seemingly play peek-a-boo with the baby in the car seat!

Neither the mother (I assume it was the mother driving) nor the child who was about three years old had learned anything from this experience!

Horrific statistics were being announced by doctors before the Christmas holiday how children who are brought into hospital from car accidents rarely make it out alive. That unstrapped children are like bombs waiting to be catapulted out of cars .....

It is against the law to drive without a seat belt but South African's still persist in doing so.

Start as you mean to go on - from the first time your baby is placed in a car, strap them in. Always provide a safe toy to play with, or pictures to look at. Have a conversation with her, even though all she can say is "mmmmm" or "aahh". Play music that she can enjoy, anything from Brahms lullabies to nursery rhymes, probably not "heavy metal"! With older children take safe toys and books for in-car entertainment and chat about what you can see out the window, whether it is counting red cars or the clouds or finding coca-cola signs! Keep engaged conversation so he does not feel like he has lost contact with you in the car.

If the baby is upset either calm her before you put her in her car seat, or have someone sit beside her (strapped in) and entertain her on the journey.

If you have a toddler who is kicking up a fuss, do not drive until they are in their seat with the safety strap on. He will eventually realize that you are going nowhere until he is strapped in. If an older child managed to unclip the strap then immediately pull off the road, Do not start driving again until he has accepted that he must be strapped in.

It is impossible to hold a child in your arms safely in a car. On impact, the baby or child will be catapulted out of your arms.

If you do not want to be one of those parents saying "If only I had...." make sure the driver and every passenger is strapped in for EVERY car trip.

WEEKLY PARENTING NOTE 1

"Getting ready ....."

"There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing."

We can choose whether to join the rat race or to take control of our time and how we use it. Often this means planning - so set a moment aside TODAY to think about everything your child needs for school or pre-school.