Q: My daughter is turning two in November and has a temper. She bullies her four year old brother and has tantrums. Is it true about a stage called the terrible two's?
A: Yes, it is true! Essentially, your daughter is discovering the world beyond herself. This starts as babies learn to crawl and suddenly notice that Mommy is out of sight. They then cry because they did not realise "you had left them". This is their first realisation of independence.
Your daughter, now independently mobile and becoming verbal, is in the next phase towards independence. Toddlers have discovered they can reach almost anywhere and anything they want that is in view. However, for their safety and well being, or in the case of her brother possibly not wanting to share his toys, she is discovering that others place limitatioins on her. Because she has not learned enough verbal language at this stage, she expreses her frustrations in the form of tantrums. This is normal for this age group.
When you see her head towards something that is not safe, for example a hot stove, distract her by calling her to "see something else" or lift her up and whisk her away in a fun way. In a calm way teach her about the dangers of hot stoves and get her repeat "don't touch - hot".
Keep her close to you, but involved with toys or games, letting her "help" you around the house. If you are baking, let her have her own bowl with some mixture to make her own cake. Involve her in as much as possible. Let her try to behave "just like Mommy" where possible.
When she bullies her brother, pick her up and say: "That is not a kind thing to say/do. Say sorry to your brother". Hold her until she says sorry or returns the toy.
If she will not say sorry, remove her from the situation, keeping her with you. Do not let her go back until she is ready to say sorry. If she is not prepared to say sorry, remove her from the situation and place her on the floor to have a tantrum. If you do not pay attention, it will soon blow over.
After a few minutes, ask her if she is ready to get up, then take her back to aplogise or return the toy. Then praise her.
If you put in the energy and time to teach her how to manage her emotions now, her teen years (which are often called a "second toddlerhood") will be a lot easier.
Q: My gorgeous little boy of 19 months is turning into a monster! Recently, he has become aggressive in company, grabbing toys from others, pushing his friend away and yesterday, he bit a little girl and drew blood. This is not the first time he has bitten either. I don't know what to do. Help!
A: Until the age of three, chidlren participate in what we call "parallel play" which does not require the other child's interaction because the toddler is involved in his own world. As far as he is concerned, "everything belongs to him". so, when another child comes along and wants to play with the same toy, he sees it as an invasion. Likewise, when you are with friends, he is jealous.
This is not uncommon in the toddler phase of life, but it is important that you manage his behaviour as other children will not want to play with him and he might seriously hurt someone.
The best tactic is distraction. You need to be alert when he is with other children. Rather than having "free play" which ends in these jealous fights for property, organise activities and give each child their own equipment. When your son gets fustrated, distract him by asking him to do something else, or lift him out of the situation. Praise him when he is good and say "no" firmly "it is not kind to hurt". If he tries to hit or bite, he must say "sorry" and show remorse.
During this phse of life, you have to forego your need to chat with friends privately nd be involved with your children all the time. In a few months, you will wonder what all the stress was about.
Q: Driving with my children is such a battlefield. I strap my baby in her chair in the front seat. But as soon as I try to catch her sister, who is three, and tie her into her chair, the fights and screams start. She has even been able to wriggle out of her car seat on occasion. I have tried threatening her with a smack, bribing her with sweets - but it always ends up in a screaming match.
A: Some things in life are non-negotiable - wearing seat belts is critical to the safety and wellbeing of your family and all who are on the road.
A child of three is not able to know or conceive all the possible dangers of being in a car without a safety belt. That is your job as the parent.
You need to take a holistic look at your relationship with your daughter, and choose your battles carefully. A lot of her anger may be because she does not have your full attention due to having a baby sister who takes up your time.
Firstly, analyse your day, and then choose when you can dedicate time to your older daughter.
Talk with her about how difficult it is not having mommy to herself all the time and that you would like to share a special time together each day. It could be anything from a story time, baking cookies, playing a game - whatever she chooses for 20 minutes or so which you can dedicate to her.
In a quiet moment, explain to her about car safety and the necessity of straps and care seats. Make it clear this is not negotiable. Ask her to choose a special toy or book for the car each day. Play sing-along CV's and sing together in the car so she does not feel so isolated from you in the front seat. Perhaps you could move your baby's chair into the back seat so she can "look after" her sister and tell her stories and entertain her while you are driving.
Most important of all, praise your daughter when she gets in the car without resistance. Praise her when she helps with her baby sister. Praise her every time she does something you have asked her to do . But do not give in on car safety.
Q: I have a two year old who shows all the signs of being ready for the potty but the more we try the harder she pushes back - she uses it as a way of manipulating us. Please help!
A: From the age of about two, children begin to learn that they can control certain aspects of their lives; they have the power to say "no.
Remember, you can never control how much food someone will eat and you cannot make anyone pass urine or a stool on command.
Toddlers are very curious about their bodies, and it takes a certain level of maturity to go through potty training. If they see parents or siblings going to the toilet they discover at an early age that girls do it differently from boys, for example!
Realising that the sensation she feels as she wets her nappy has anything to do with what lands in the toilet or potty is a complex process.
Often toddlers get scared if they see what has just come out of their body! It seems they have just "lost" part of themselves - and then we make it all disappear down the toilet.
There is no right or wrong age to potty train - do not make a big deal out of it. She will get there! it seems that she is manipulating you - that is because she has become anxious about producing something in the potty.
Leave the potty available in the bathroom. When you go to the toilet, invite her to sit on her potty - with or without her nappy, as she wishes. Teach her about washing hands after sitting on the potty.
Let her spend brief times without a nappy - particularly after a meal. There will be many "accidents" as she accustoms herself to the physical sensation of a full bladder before she passes urine or needs to pass a stool. This is all normal. When she does produce something, tell her what a clever girl she is and then make a little ceremony of saying "goodbye wee wee" or goodbye pooh" as you flush it down the toilet. She will very quickly adjust to behaving like everyone else about toilet hygiene.
Q: I have a 22 month old toddler. I'm afraid I've become a somewhat 'neurotic' mom when it comes to what's good for children to eat. I try my best to limit the candies etc.
Her grandparents have no idea of moderation and when they visit, they overload her with a bag of sweets, chips, chocolates and what I term 'grown up' drinks like Energade and Liquifruit (undiluted).
It's almost as if Christmas came early each time they visit (which I dread!).
Do I have to sit back and accept that this is what grandparents do? Also, what amounts of 'junk' food is acceptable since I'm told I am too strict?
Please help or else I might not answer the door when they come to visit again.
A: I would not say that you are a neurotic mother rather you hold your child's health as your primary concern as any responsible parent should! There are a vast number of important reasons why babies and young children should avoid any foodstuffs and drinks with refined sugars. By limiting candies etc you're saving his teeth from guaranteed decay. Drinking fizzy drinks and undiluted fruit juice, destroys the teeth before they have even erupted! This kind of diet is laying the foundation for childhood obesity and other conditions.
Do you have to sit back and accept this? Absolutely not! I cannot believe that any grandparents want to pro-actively harm their grandchild! However, many grandparents would say it is their prerogative to spoil him!
I am sure you do not want to let this issue prevent your child having a relationship with his grandparents, however it is important that they respect your wishes. I suggest you have a frank discussion, before their next visit, and suggest different ways that they can spoil their grandchild e.g. they can choose a book or a puzzle as a gift - the advantage of this kind of gift is that the thrill of a new book or game can go on long after their visit.
Q: I cannot get my daughter to give up her bottle! She is nearly three. it does not matter whether she is having water, milk, or rooibos tea. She throws an absolute "hissy fit" until the liquid is in her bottle. It is so embarrassing. How will I ever get her to drink from a cup?
A: I learned to take great encouragement from this question when my children were toddlers - "Will she still be using nappies (read as "bottle") when she's 21?" If the answer is "no" then you have little to worry about. In the midst of the challenges of temper tantrums and resistance to change that happens in the toddler phase of life it helps to keep some perspective.
As a parent, one needs to learn to choose one's battles - and only engage in the ones that are essential to safety, sanity and everyone's well-being.
Your daughter is using her bottle as a comforter now. Some toddlers use dummies, a special blanket, or a special toy to comfort themselves, especially when tired. This is normal behaviour. Understanding why she is using it is half the battle won.
As your daughter starts to mingle with her peers at play school she will discover that not everyone uses bottles, and that everyone sits together for snacks and drinks from a cup.
She will be copying her peers in no time. At meal times at home, you can give her a cup to use "just like school". Praising her for being such a "big, clever girl" will make her proud of herself and encourage her to use a cup.
Most schools ask children to bring their own water bottles. This is a great way to introduce an alternative to the baby bottle. Build on these small steps with words of encouragement.
When going to sleep, she may still ask for the baby bottle. Permit this until the teats get worn out, and then offer the school water bottle as a now familiar alternative. Also show her the "broken teat" and say "goodbye" to it during the day. But remember, you do not have to "sweat the small stuff".
Q: We will be driving to Cape Town in one day with our toddler and twins, who are four. This is the only way we can arrive in time for our family Christmas due to my husband having to work until 23rd December. I don't know how I am going to keep the children quiet and occupied for that long because my husband gets irritated when they get fractious. Any ideas would be welcome. Feeling desperate.
A: Any parent contemplating such a trip is probably feeling similarly desperate, but with some planning, it can be easier than you think. It is important that you discuss your concerns with your husband so you can plan together how to make it fun for all of you.
Option 1: You could drive down a few days earlier with the children and break the journey at a guest house or two. Then, your husband could fly down later.
Option 2: This will help you prepare for all family holidays.
First, let each of the children pack a small bag of their own with their favourites toys, games and books. (Your toddler will need help). Then, once they are in bed, pack another bag of other toys you know they will enjoy. Also, add some surprises, like a colouring book each with an individual pack of crayons, a pack of cards for Donkey or Old Maid, perhaps a building game like a bucket of Lego. Include some CV's of sing-a-long rhymes they know well, as well as familiar stories. Let them start playing with their own bag and as they begin to show signs of boredom, bring out a surprise one at a time.
Second, pack a bag with small snacks of fruit, biscuits, energy bars, popcorn and plenty of water and juice. Avoid fizzy drinks with sugar and caffeine. Even in air-conditioned cars, children easlily get dehydrated.
Third, plan to stop every two hours so the children can stretch their legs and go to the toilet. This is also beneficial for the driver.
Last, write a list of old fashioned car games and songs that you probably played as a child, like I Spy, 10 green bottles or Alice the Camel, so that you can set up some interactive games. They will sleep for part of the journey. Once in Cape Town, the trip will soon be forgotten. Happy holidays!
Q: My daughter is about to turn two and I want to organise a special birthday for her. She has lots of friends at her creche, but we are on a tight budget. What would you suggest?
A: At the age of two, she has no pre-conceived ideas of what birthdays entail, so you don't need to go overboard to give her a special day. Chat to your child's teacher about what they do at school. Typically, the teacher would organise a special "birthday ring" at which songs and rhymes are sung and games played. Ask the teacher if you can take a cake to school to share with the class. You could take photos to record the special event. If you choose to celebrate at home as well, you could organise an afternoon tea for family and close friends. At this stage, your daughter will be happy to see the extended family she knows well, whether they bring presents or not. The excitement of the day is the surprise of seeing people she knows who love her and who may bring a gift. The rest is for the adults' benefit. You could even ask your family to a bring-and-share tea. Remember, the focus of the celebration is your daughter, not how much you spend. Have fun and enjoy seeing her face light up as everybody sings happy birthday to her.
Q: MY SON is three and he’s a handful. He’s increasingly prone to tantrums and refuses to do what I tell him. I’m now thinking that using “time- out” may be the only way to go.
Unfortunately, he refuses to stay where I put him and the situation just gets worse. Should I persist or try some other form of discipline?
A: Everyone talks about the “terrible twos” being the age for tantrums, but this really refers to a stage of development when toddlers/pre-schoolers are striving for independence in every area. Sometimes, however, they hit a boundary, which results in the adult response “No!” and a tantrum from the child.
Often it is possible to foresee a tantrum; so try to avoid these collisions of wills by diversion.
For example, if you need to interrupt the TV programme your son is watching because it’s bath time, rather give a few minutes forewarning: “At the end of this programme it’s bath time”; or “When the clock says six o’clock, it’s bath time.” This way he will be prepared for his activity being curtailed.
Dressing is another area that has the potential to cause tantrums. Rather than insisting on his wearing a particular item of clothing, give him a limited choice of what you deem suitable, thus giving him a measure of control over his destiny. This should result in a win-win situation for both of you!
If you praise your son for his good behaviour and divert him when you see a potential tantrum coming, your need for using time- out will diminish. You will find that he responds positively to praise and acknowledgement, which will in turn minimise your fractious interactions
Q: My toddler will be 21 months old when I am due to give birth to our second child.
I have been told by my gynaecologist that I will have to have a Caesarian section, so I will be in hospital for a few days. I have never been away from my daughter before, not even for a night, so I have no idea how she will cope. How do we prepare her for my being in hospital? She seems too young to understand.
A: This is a time full of emotion for everyone, including lots of excitement and anticipation among the grown-ups in the family. Your daughter will not be overly perturbed, as long as her routine is not disturbed. I am sure your conversation will be punctuated with all sorts of comments like: “You are going to be a big sister” and “You can help mommy with the baby when …”.
It will mean very little to her until her baby sister or brother arrives because her stage of development allows her to deal with tangible reality, but not imaginary concepts.
However, reading story books about siblings arriving, and explaining how Mommy goes to hospital and has the baby and (most importantly) comes home again, is helpful. If possible, take your daughter on some of your hospital visits in late pregnancy so that it becomes a real place to her. Make sure you have a familiar person caring for her when you and your husband are away for the birth.
Q: My granddaughter, aged three, suffers from chronic constipation. Please help.
A: Constipation is not uncommon in young children and can usually be treated by a change in diet before any more instrusive steps are taken.
Typical symptoms of something more serious would be vomiting, a distended abdomen, weight loss or poor weight gain, or loss of appetite.
One of the contributing factors for constipation in children is a traumatic potty training experience.
Children who suffer from this condition sometimes try to hold onto the stool, thus avoiding a painful bowel movement.
Having considered your granddaughter's basic diet, I would suggest the following:
Move her to regular cow's milk from Nido (from one year old, the digestive system is mature enough to cope with cow's milk). However, a large intake of milk can contribute to constipation. Exchange the three bottles of milk a day with a cup of breakfast time and supper time and give her fruit juice and water throughout the day. Increase her fibre intake by using whole-wheat bread for her snack-time sandwich and brown rice with her main meal. Other contributions to bulk up her diet could be popcorn, beans and fish.
Try to remove processed foods such as Vienna sausages and fish fingers from her diet. Increase the number of pieces of raw fruit and vegetables that she has and add dried fruit (without any sugar coating). Ensure that she is sharing meals with others so that food is associated with a happy experience.
If the problem continues, seek the advice of a paediatrician.
Q: Our son is four years old and hyperactive. He simply fails to listen to instructions and always wants to get his way. For instance, if you tell him to close the fridge he either won't or he'll close it in his own time. In the mornings there is always a fight: he wants to choose his clothes for the day regardless of the weather. We do spank him, but it seems to have no major impact. After a spanking he'll cry for two minutes and start his torments all over again. We are stressed because we always have to caution him about this and that, and it's draining our energies.
A: Clearly, this situation is distressing you, but not all is lost!
Firstly, I want you and your husband to sit down quietly and list all the things you can be grateful for about your son.
For example, he is healthy, energetic, intelligent and so on. Then I want you to write down what it is about his behaviour you do not like. To limit the conflict between you, first of all decide when it is really important that you make the decisions and when you could give him some choice.
For example, remove all the summer clothing from his cupboard so he can only choose clothing from the warm clothes that are in the cupboard. Make a game of getting dressed in the morning between the three of you, see who is dressed first ... and let him win some times!
Do not let food become a battleground. Prepare foods that you know he will eat and eat together as a family.
Incentivise him. For example, while in the bath you could say: "If you get into your pyjamas without a fuss, you can choose a story."
As you consistently mention the small positives, you will see him change before your very eyes.
Q: My daughter is four and my son nearly two. They are at the same day-care centre, but in different classes. I'm worried that there might be a touch of sibling rivalry on my daughter's side. She hears me, but does not listen to me. If I say something that appeals to her, I get an instant reaction, but if I ask her to tidy up her toys, eat her dinner or behave herself, she ignores me. How can I get her to listen to me without nagging or breaking her spirit?
A: I don't think it is a case of sibling rivalry; rather your daughter is seeking your attention, positive or negatively. At the end of a long day, both children need your attention. A good routine and a little planning will help de-stress the evening.
Plan your supper menu at the weekend (so you don't have to think about it on the way home each day). Even cooking and freezing meals on the weekend could free up time on weekday evenings for bedtime stories.
Children of this age will often put parents to the test. Have a one-on-one conversation with your daughter about the importance of listeniing to adults, especially parents. Explain that if she wants to do the things she likes, there are certain jobs that have to be done (for example, tidying up toys, taking a bath) before supper. She is the big sister so she can show her brother how to be a "big boy" and he can help her tidy up.
Turn "tidy-up time" into a game. By putting on a CD and giving them until the end of a particular song to tidy away their toys or get undressed for a bath, you can avoid making chores a battleground. Praise her immediately after she has done what you asked. Perhaps introduce a star chart so that she can get a star each time she follows an instruction or has helped her brother. This way, she can also proudly show dad what she has achieved during the day.
Q: I came home at 9.30am yesterday because I had left a document at home that I needed at the office and found to my shock that my son (16 months old) was playing in the upstairs lounge alone; our au pair was outside in the garden on her cellphone having a cigarette. Initially I was paralysed with shock. I went to check that my son was all right. Fortunately he had not ventured down the concrete stairs, but all the "what-ifs" raced through my head. How do I trust this girl with my child?
A: This is a terrible experience to have had. The trust you placed in this caregiver has been completely dashed through this one incident: your child has been left alone by the very person you employed to care for him in your absence! This is neglect. Your au pair has ignored her primary responsibility. This could be deemed a dismissible offence.
You need to gauge from whatever other information you can gather whether this was a one-off situation that your child was left at risk, unsupervised. As we all know, an inquisitive toddler can get anywhere unless supervised. The law applies equally to these employees. Hopefully you have an employment contract and have recourse to the points referring to summary dismissal for 'neglect of the child'; if not, you will have to refer to the Basic Conditions of Employment Act.
In the meantime, I would suggest you make a temporary childcare plan until you can arrange for a new caregiver. Ensure that you or your agency does thorough reference checks on potential employees. And yes: do the unexpected thing to check that all is well. You must have peace of mind about what is going on at home.
Q: I am a single mother of a 2½ year old. We live with my parents. My daughter throws tantrums, won't sleep in her own bed, won't even feed herself. It's as though she has sone. What can I do?
A: Welcome to the "terrible two's". This phase of life can be exasperating. But remember that you are the key person influencing your daughter's life. Right now she is looking to youfor security. Because there seems to be no boundaries in place, she is announcing to the world out of fear of the unknown - that she is boss.
Your approach needs to be conistent, loving and firm. I would suggest you do the following. Create dedicated time for her every evening - bath, supper and bedtime story - in which she has your undivided attention. Include her in supper preparation as "mommy's helper", which will make her feel special.
When she starts throwing a tantrum, get down to her level, hold her hands, look her in the eye and say: "I understand that you want [....] but mommy says "no". You may have [x or y]."
By providing a choice - however limited - you let her feel as though she is boss; but because the limits are yours, you are actually in charge!
Introduce a reward system for good behaviou; a star chart. Each night she sleeps in her own bed for each meal for which she sits up at the table and feeds herself, she gets a star. For every 10 starts she gets a prize - something small. Be consistent and you will see progress.
I would also recommend reading Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green.
Q: My child is not yet two and yet he throws himself on the floor and cries (and sometimes screams) when he doesn't get his own way. How do I handle these tantrums? And how long do they go on for?
A: the term "terrible two's" is often used to describe this phase of life and temper tantrums are commonly experienced at this age. It seems to take parents by surprise that their "little angel" has turned into a "monster" overnight!
To enable you to exercise your patience instead of frustration it is important to understand what is happening developmentally! The child is beginning to move from a dependent phase to the first steps of independence. He is discovering the "power" of words and his whole world is just one BIG exciting playground to explore. So when he is heading towards something dangerous (an electric plug) and you say "NO" he will be very upset because he is on an expedition!
A better way to avert tantrums is to distract your adventurous toddler! As you see him heading towards "trouble" call his name (in a friendly tone) and offer him an alternative to the plug. Turn the distraction into a game; whisk him off his feet and pretend he is an aeroplane! Whatever you do, let your "no be no". Do not say "no" and then because he has a tantrum let him do whatever he pleases. This phase of life is the foundation of all your future discipline. How long it will last? How many tantrums will you give into? If you are consistent in your response, this period will be over before he attends proper nursery school.
Q: My sixteen month old daughter refuses to eat what I try and feed her. She also refuses to sit down in her high chair. Meal times are becoming a nightmare! What should I do?
A: The toddler phase of life is a challenge for parents. For as long as their infant has breathed, Mom and Dad feel like they have been able to control what happens, when it happens, and how it happens. But from the time their baby starts to move independently she has a say!
For adults, meal-times are as much about social interaction as about the nutritional content of the food. This is as true for the toddler. Turn mealtimes into fun times, including her in the conversation at the table. Behaviour is learned through observation and experience. So the concept of the family meals starts here. Include your daughter at the breakfast table with you and Dad, and when it is time for her supper, ensure that you have a cup of tea and a snack so that she can feel it is a shared mealtime. Explain to her that she is going to sit in her chair as Mom and Dad are going to sit on their chairs. Preferably use reins to restrain her so that she is safe in the highchair. All toddlers will fight this, but safety is a priority.
If you are giving her porridge give her her own spoon and let her feed herself; in between her own spoonfuls feed her with a separate spoon to ensure that she eats a little more! Give her finger foods so that she can feed herself. Ensure that she is eating some of what you are eating so that she feels she is the "same as Mommy and Daddy"! Let her use her own cup or bottle. All of these actions enable her to feel more independent.
This will be a messy affair! Guiding her spoon to her own mouth is a skill that is not mastered overnight, so protect her clothing and when she starts to "play" with the food, take it away. Praise her for eating well, but do not make a scene if she doesn't eat; just calmly remove her from the table. No child will starve herself!
Above all, be consistent in your dealings with her.
Q: My four year old has moved to a new school, while her good friends have all gone to another school. What can I do as she talks constantly about her old friends and doesn't seem to be making any new friends.
A: Moving school in the life of a 4 year old is like changing jobs in the adult world ... it is stressful! Everything is unfamiliar, new building, possibly a bigger school with many more children, new teachers, new routine etc.
The important thing is that your daughter is talking about it! So empathize with her, reflect her feelings of loss. Explain to her why you chose the school that she now attends. Invite the old friends to play so that she realizes they haven't disappeared!
Take time with her each morning to help her settle into the new environment. Let her show you the new toys, introduce you to some of the children in her class. Take an active interest in the themes and activities she is involved with.
Chat to her teacher to find out who she likes to play with at school and arrange to have them over for a play-date. Pre-school teachers understand the world of a 4 year old very well and can play a vital role in helping them cope with change.
Q: After two years of great routine and teaching my two year old daughter to be confident enough to sleep on her own she has suddently stopped sleeping and just cries and cries if we don't sit with her. So we're experiencing some fairly stressful and sleep deprived nights at the moment - what should we do?
A: As with most things in life there are seasons ... and seasons change! Having had your daughter in a good routine, you at least know what it is to have order and some predictability about your family daily routine. We are "programmed" to need order in our lives; this enables us to relax and be comfortable.
So let's look at WHY your daughter's behaviour has changed.
A number of new activities and developmental stages start happening around the age of two: starting playgroup; moving from thye baby group to the toddler group at daycare; a new awareness of her body as she starts potty training; teething (molars); moving from a cot to a bed; a parent's work routine changing; a new sibling arriving; and so forth. These and many other changes in your family life impact on her life. While she appears to be confident in her waking hours, her stress comes out at night - hence the disturbed nights.
I would suggest that you keep your bedtime routine exactly the same; familiarity with what is going to happen is very important. Ensure that she has her favourite toy or "comforter" in her cot/bed with her. Do not keep checking on her, as the movement in her room may disturb her; rather keep a baby monitor on. Do not go in at the first shimper; see if she can go back to sleep on her own. When you hear her beginning to cry louder, go in to her and with a gentle but firm voice say, "Mommy's here, its sleep time...". Try not to pick her up; rather try to calm her without getting her out of her cot/bed. Do not linger; rather tell her in the same gentle but firm voice, "Mommy's in the lounge, reading, you must go to sleep now", and leave the room quietly. If you find that you get upset by this process, perhaps your hsuband is better at consistently following through on this: let him go to her. The important part is that she is getting consistent calm message; that she is safe and loved, and that it's time to go to sleep. If she expresses fear of the dark, put a night light on. If she is fearful of being alone, rather play some soothing music or have the TV on loud enough for her to hear it as background noise; then she knows you are around!
Your patient consistent approach will eventually enable her to settle again and sleepless nights will be a thing of the past!
Recommended reading: Baby Sense by Megan Faure and Ann Richardson ISBN 0806527250 Baby and Toddler Sleep Programme by Dr John Pearce ISBN 0 09 190675 X
Q: I cannot get my child (18 months old) to eat her breakfast in the morning before I go to work. She refuses to sit in her chair, so I can't feed her, and we have such a short time before we leave for creche. She then fights getting into the car and I have to rush to the creche and leave her there even if she is crying. Help!
A: You describe every working parent's nightmare! Remember, "rush hour" starts from the moment you wake up - not when you leave your driveway!
It takes forward planning for you to have an easier start to the day. First, arrange to have focused time with your daughter in the evening, and tuck her up for sleep around 7pm. Second, assemble the night before everything you need to take with you in the morning; lunch box (refrigerate overnight), nappy bag (with a change of clothes), a favourite toy or book, and your own brief-case. Make sure you get a good night's sleep so you feel fresh in the morning!
Third, wake up at least half an hour ahead of your daughter. Shower, dress, do your make-up and prepare breakfast before you even wake her. Chat and play as you change her nappy and get her dressed for the day. Sit and eat breakfast together. If you are focused on her, it becomes a shared meal; you will find that she participates and enjoys breakfst because it is with you! Talk about the school day, whom she will play with, and so on.
Car safety is non-negotiable; she must have her seatbelt on. But let her "read" or sing along to her favourite CV. At the creche, take five minutes to settle her in and say "goodbye, see you later", leaving her safe in the arms of her teacher.
Repeat this as your new daily routineand she will become much more settled.
Q: My baby is one year and 3 months old. He started walking before crawling. Right now he does both. He started walking before turning one and crawling after his first birthday. Should I be concerned?
A: There is nothing to worry about!
We talk about "developmental milestones", which are the various developmental skills that we expect children to achieve within certain time periods. These cover four major areas:
Physical: (gross motor skills: the child's ability to use large muscles: and fine motor skills: the child's ability to use small muscles).
Intellectual: the child's ability to learn and solve problems.
Emotional and social: the child's ability to interact with others, including helping him/herself, and to exercise self-control.
Speech and language: the child's ability to understand and use language.
Crawling falls into gross motor development and is one of the processes we see infants going through usually between the ages of 8 and 12 months - between sitting and walking. Infants are innately motivated to go through the developmental process to strenghen different groups of muscles. So, for example, for your son to be able to sit unaided he needs he needs to strenghen his neck, back and abodominal muscles. This is done through play when lying on a rug on the floor on his tummy. This kind of play time should happen on a daily basis. Initially he will turn his head from side to side: then he will start pushing up on his arms until he learns to roll over. This strenghens his muscles to the point that he can sit and not fall over! Each stage prepares him for the next milestone. From rolling over, he will find his way onto "all fours" and from there either crawling or standing will be the next step towards the milestone of walking.
Crawling or shuffling on his bottom are just a means to an end - walking! So it is not a problem if he has gained enough muscle strength to walk first. If he started crawling after acquiring the skill of walking, he may not have felt very steady on his feet, or he discovered he could get around a lot faster on "all fours"! This is not abnormal. Occupational therapists and doctors have found no correlation between learning disabilities and children who did not crawl. Such a correlation is a myth.
There is great variation in the time it takes infants to walk steadily on their feet. But if a child has not made any attempt to be on the move by the age of 15 months, it would be appropriate for him / her to be checked by a paediatrician.
Q: I have a beautiful little daughter, who I don't live with. Whenever I visit her, she runs away as soon as she sees my car coming. After a few minutes, she crawls away to hide and watch me. As she comes towards me, I have to pretend that I don't see her. After a while, she'll be behind me and start touching me and finally, she'll come and sit on my lap. I find it difficult to leave because she won't allow me to. Please help me. Why is she doing this?.
A: Even though you do not live with your daughter, she clearly knows you are a significant person in her life. Because of your circumstances, you cannot be the "hands-on" mom you would like to be. From your description of her behaviour, your daughter is obviously being cared for in a loving home. These are fundamental requirements for an infant to grow into a healthy, emotionally stable child and adult. Her decision to "crawl away to hide and watch" when you arrive is normal for a child of this age (about one-year-old). She is weighing up in her own mind: "Do I know this person or not?" She is checking you out from a distance, then risking getting closer and touching you: are you real, or is it just her imagination? This kind of game develops into peek-a-boo and then hide and seek. Such games help her deal with the idea of you being in her life yet not being in her life: "Now I see you, now I don't". She doesn't want you to leave because even though she is not yet fully verbal, she realises that you have not been around and that she has missed, you. No child wants her mom to leave after just being re-united with her. This is not to put you on a guilt trip, rather to explain why she behaves like this. Moms dropping their children off at daycare go through this on a daily basis. It is important that when it is time for you to go, you say a proper good-bye and that she sees you go. This will lessen her need to look for you. Be as involved in your child's life as you can. She will benefit from the time you can give her.
Q: I have an 18 month old boy who has not yet been to creche/nursery school. He has been at home with his nanny since birth. We moved house at the beginning of September, only to be told by our nanny that she was not coming back. We have employed another domestic worker/nanny, but obviously, are still going through the motions, trying to get him to bond with her. With the stress of moving house and getting a new nanny, would it be too much for our boy to cope with if we were to put him in a creche? We don't want to upset him any more than necessary?
A: You seem to have had a lot of upheaval in the recent past and your little boy will be feeling it too. He looks to you for his security. However, if you are calm and peaceful about the change, he will adapt quickly to his new home.
Obviously, settling in with a new caregiver is not easy, but his confidence will increase with time as long as you are happy with her. He will follow your example.
Sometimes, toddlers settle down quickly with people they feel safe with, but if you have any anxiety about leaving him in her care, he will pick it up. If he is happy with the new caregiver, I would postpone placing him in a creche for at least another six to 12 months.
Alternatively, weigh up the options of searching for a new domestic worker/childminder or a good quality creche. Whichever course you take, there will always be a transition period that you will have to comfort him through. He will definitely benefit from the social and educational interaction he will get in a creche from age two and a half onwards.
Q: I have a boy ages two years and nine months who has never slept right through the night. He has had ear problems since three months old and I think it might have affected his sleep pattern. He does go to bed easily every night. I lie with him until he falls asleep, although when he was a baby, he was able to go to sleep on his own. He then wakes up between 10:30pm and 11pm and comes to our bed after which he will sleep all night. Is it okay to start the rapid-return technique with him?
A: By the age of almost three, a child should be able to sleep through the night. Unless he is complaining of earache, I do not think his waking at 11pm is specifically linked to this.
As you do not infer that he is distressed (for example, has had a bad dream) when he comes to you, I am assuming he is sleepy and looking for the assurance that you are there, which is now a habit.
Sleep follows a pattern of light and deep cycles, repeated about every three hours in young children. So, as he is moving into a light sleep phase, he might hear movement, conversation in the room next door or the TV, enough to stir him to look for you.
I would suggest that you talk to him one morning when he has woken up in your bed and say: "You are a big boy now, nearly three years old, and you have your own bed to sleep in. So if you wake up in the night, I am going to take you back to your bed."
Start making bed-time a big boy thing where he can have a story and chat on the bed snuggled up, but then say a clear "good night" and either put the light out or leave him to "read" a book until he falls asleep, thereby coaching him into independent sleeping.
When he wakes up, gently guide him back to his own bed, tuck him in and leave. The more interaction you have, the more awake he will become. Treat him as if he is still asleep. If he does wake up and get upset, repeat the evening bed-time routine. You are breaking a habit, so it will take time to train him to sleep through the night.
If you are still concerned that earache might be the problem, visit your doctor.
Q: I have a daughter who is 17 months old. She's an absolute fidget! She can never sit still. She's always running and climbing on furniture. I get very nervous because if she falls from the dresser and such she could get badly hurst. We don't give her many sweets that could contribute to her behaviour. What can we do? She's not afraid of anyone and she doesn't listen.
A: You are describing a typical toddler! This phase of life is often called the "terrible tows". However, when we look through a toddler's eyes, we get a different picture.
Your toddler is steady on her feet. She has discovered she can do things on her own; she is no longer dependent on an adult to do everything for her. But this does not mean she does not need you! In fact, she needs you more than ever. She does not know right from wrong, safety from danger; she learns through trial and error and through copying. So it is critical that you create a safe environment.
"Toddler-proof" your home. This means removing all precious and/or breakable ornaments and placing TV remotes out of reach. Put a safety gate across the stairway and ensure that all plug points are covered. Make sure all cables are tucked behind furniture so she cannot pull a lamp or a kettle over. You need to be one step ahead of her all the time.
Use distraction rather than admonishment. Turn it into a fun game to "fly" her away from climbing on furniture rather than always shouting "no".
Create certain areas of the house where it is absolutely safe for her to play to her heart's content. For example, give her a drawer in the kitchen where "her" pots and pans, plastic bowls and wooden spoons can be her playground when you are busy cooking, but ensure that she cannot reach sharp knives and other harmful objects. In the lounge, make sure she has a basket of toys so that there is something that is hers to play with which can be tidied away easily when she has gone to bed.
As parents, we have a responsibility to create a loving home environment in which our children can grow up feeling safe, where they are stimulated and nurtured. We also need to inculcate values that will enable them to become positive members of their community.
Above all, strive for consistency in everything you say and do.
Q: My daughter is 22 months old and does not want to eat any solid food. She will eat porridge in the morning, at lunch a slice of bread with cheese - and usually the same again for supper. She drinks lots of water and juice and I give her a bottle of formula when she wakes up and when she goes to bed. She just plays with other food. Help! I don't know what to do!
A: Your daughter is not eating a balanced diet, but this is easily rectifiable. First, in our hot climate, it is important that she drinks enough fluid. However, formula is not a complete food for a growing toddler. Teach her to use a cup rather than a bottle. By nearly two, she should eat basically the same diet as you, in smaller portions.
Children learn by example, so it is important that she joins you at the breakfast table and for other meals. Do not let meal times turn into a chase around the house; rather, she shoudl be made to feel included in the experience, sitting at the table with you. Meal times are about socialising as much as about food consumption.
At each meal, give her some finger foods so she can feed herself. Keep a bowl nearby to assist with extra spoonsfuls. At breakfast, she can have fingers of toast with peanut butter and you can assist with cereal, or she might like to feed herself some Weetbix.
Mid-morning, she can feed herself a sandwich and slices of apple or banana. For lunch, let her finger feed herself pasta with a few spoonsfuls of mince and carrot sticks; in the afternoon some slices of fruit and a biscuit. In the evening, some steamed vegetables, meat or fish that she can finger-feed herself, followed by yoghurt. Throughout the day, you need to make sure that she has had the opportunity to consume a blend of foods that constitute a balanced diet. (Read Easy Meals for Babies and Toddlers by Deirdre Randall).
Within reason and with a balanced diet in mind, let your daughter choose which vegetables she wants to eat. Allowing her to feel in control will change her attitude towards food and mealt times.
Q: I have a grandson who is in the throes of the "terrible two's". His parents are trying to wean him off his bottle. If he does not get a bottle during the day he has a tantrum for almost an hour; he screams incessantly and they cannot reason with him.
They feel if they give in to him that they are setting a precedent. How does one deal with tantrums in a public place without scarring a child for life.
A: A bottle becomes an issue if a cup (with a spoutor, initially, a straw) is not introduced at around a year. The bottle has become a comforter, not a source of nutrition. If they want to speed up the process of removing the bottle, that is exactly what they must do - remove all bottles from the house so they are no longer available. There will be a day or two of tears, and it will all be over.
Alternatively, they could organise a "farewell party" for him to say good-bye to all his bottles because he is a "big boy" now. Or as each teat breaks, they could not replace it so that eventually he will have to say "all gone" to the bottles.
As he starts to socialise with other toddlers and pre-schoolers he will see they do not have bottles and he will want to be like them.
It is not possible to reason with a toddler! Rather give him limited choices, for example: "If you want a bottle you must sit in your chair - wandering around with a bottle is not acceptable." If he has some choice he still feels he is in control.
Tantrums in public places are embarrassing for adults, not for children. Importantly, parents need to be consistent: if they have said "no", they must stick to it. Children thrive on knowing boundaries, but naturally, they will test them. The key to good parenting is to be consistent, loving and firm.
Prevention is better than cure even for tantrums: if parents are tuned in to their children, they can see a potential situation ahead of it happening and divert the toddler's attention with a toy, conversation or a little task. This channels all that energy into something worthwhile.
Supernanny and The House of Tiny Tearaways on DSTV are useful to see how to deal with tantrums.
Q: I have a two year old grandson in Sydney. When I was visiting last year I had a little confrontation with my daugher-in-law over something called "control crying" which I was very anti - she left him crying in his cot for fiveminutes and she would then comfort him and the minute she left the room, he became hysterical again. This went on for a while until he eventually fell asleep _ I really could not stand it and when I did say something, my son told me not to interfere.
A: There are two issues here: how does Granny deal with the parents choices? And how the parents deal with their toddler! This is maybe hard for you to hear - "Control crying" or "rapid return" is another term used today for sleep training with children who for whatever reason have not learned to sleep alone in the first year of life.
There are of course two schools of though in society, those who would advocate what your son and daughter-in-law are doing and those who think this will do irreparable damage to their babies and therefore do not put boundaries in place, are aftraid to say "no" to their toddlers, who become bossy pre-schoolers who do not make friends easily because they want everything on their terms!
It is short term stress for long term gain - a child that has slept well, wakes up rested (and therefore not fretful from exhaustion). Parents are rested and content because they have had an undisturbed night so everybody can handle the day which will be full of its own challenges! If babies learn from the beginning to go to sleep alone this kind of trauma can be avoided. New parents are naturally caught up in the overwhelming emotion around their newborn in the early weeks, they forget or do not even realise that they are laying the foundation of how they will raise their child for the rest of their lives. When they discover that a particular pattern of behaviour in their toddler is no longer acceptable to them, they then want to re-train him, and of course he is going to react negatively. But once he understands the new rules so to speak he will adjust. If carried out consistently this process would typically change his sleeping pattern within a week. It is imperative for the parents to explain to their toddler what they are doing, remain calm, and not to give up. Initially he will fight against this new routine, he is used to getting Mommy and Daddy round his little finger. Now they are not complying. He is not in charge - the parents are!
Your role as Granny is to support your son and daughter-in-law in their decisions. When in their home, respect their views, routines and child care rules. If you have the opportunity to care for your grandson alone, keep those in place because that is what is familiar to him, and add an extra dose of "Granny TLC".
Q: I have a two year old great-granddaughter who visits me infrequently. My grandson, her father, resides with me. When she and I are alone I have no problem taking her to the loo, but when her dad is here, she demands that he take her to the loo, which I do not agree with. He thinks it is okay. What do you think?
A: In this day of modern parenting, the social norm is that both parents are encouraged to be involved in all aspects of child rearing. Dads and moms attend antenatal and parenting classes together, both preparing to be involved in every aspect of caring for their infant.
Today, there is much emphasis on the benefit for children throughout their lives of having had,as much as possible., the loving involvement of both parents.
It is better that your grandson be involved, giving the mom some time out to do other things.
If your grandson were parenting full time, we would not think anything untoward about him taking his daughter to the loo, wiping her bottom and so on.
I appreciate that when you raised your children this would not have been acceptable and that your grandson's involvement therefore causes you a level of unease. But time have changed.
Unless you are concerned about sexual offences of any kind, I do not think you have anything to worry about. Rather rejoice that your grandson is keen to be involved in his daughter's life, right down to the "nitty-gritty" of things.
In a year or so, she will manage to go to the toilet completely on her own. It is natural for her to seek her dad's attention when they have only a limited time together.
Q: My life is in chaos. I get home at about 6pm, having picked the children up from creche en route from work. When I collect them, it's a fight to get them into the car, then it's a fight to geth them out of the car, then it's a fight to geth them into the bath. For the sake of peace and quiet, I give them anything they want for supper.
Their dad gets home when I am trying to geth them into bed and then, it's even worse, my five year old son wants to play with his dad. Invariably, he will get him all hyped up while I am giving our little girl her last bottle of the day and trying to settle her. Then I have to make supper for my husband and me. I am permanently exhausted. Help!
A: Your cry is that of every working mom. You are not alone! So how does one not end up in thisa state every night? You need to take control of the situation and to do that, you need to do some planning.
Analyse the process from creche to children's bedtime and work out what is essential and what is non-essential:
Children's safety in the car
Children's supper
Bedtime
These three are the things that must happen, but how they happen is key to whether you are in a state of chaos or not. Try to collect the children as early as possible so that they will be less tired and ask the teacher to ensure that they have an afternoon nap so that they are not exhaused at home. Prepare a snack for them in the car.
At the weekend, plan a week's menu of suppers so that you minimise the preparation process. Possibly, ake a fresh supper for yourselves each evening and keep a portion for the children, so that you only have to heat a meal for them each night, thus being able to feed them quickly.
Bath time can be fun and relaxes children. This can lead to the last drink of the day and story time.
Discuss with your husband the tact that the end-of-day routine is a process of slowing and quieting down and emphasise that his part in it is important. Rather than exciting the children, he should assist in quietening them down. A story in bed with your sone and a non-negotiable lights-out time will save the day, leaving you and your husband a bit of time for each other.
Q: I have a well adjusted three year old who has been weeing in the toilet for some time, and does not wear nappies for her afternoon nap. She does, however, ask for a nappy when she wants to poo, and though she has made a couple of poos in the potty and toilet, she insists on doing it in her nappy in the bathroom (she seems to be ashamed). I would like to help her along as she is starting school this year.
A: It is not uncommon and is a very normal part of potty training. It is important not to make a big issue of it. Some children think they have "lost" part of their body when they make a poo and worry that their insides are going to come out and then disappear down the toilet! During my 30 years of practice since qualifying as a nursery nurse I have assisted hundreds of children and their parents through this phase of life.
Let your daughter accompany you to the toilet so she can observe from an early age normal toilet etiquette; wiping bottom, flushing loo, washing hands. Praise her when she uses the potty or toilet. If she makes a poo in a nappy, flush the contents down the loo. Alternatively you can purchase a toilet seat that enables a small child to sit on the toilet. Then your daughter can be "all grown up" like mommy!
Saying a ceremonial "goodbye poo" before flushing helps children overcome this anxiety about defecation. Make the washing of hands part of this ritual.
At school your daughter will see other children going through the same process. This will help her to accept this very normal human function. Above all, be patient with her. This phase will be over sooner than you think!
Q: My three year old is sensitive to all foods with colourants and is allergic to all gluten products. We have had a long haul of tests to get to the source of her eczema and stomach problems.
It is easy to control what she eats at home, but she is now attending nursery school and parties. How can I control what she eats?
A: You have a good understanding of what aggravates her allergies. It is important to teach her what they are so that she can begin to control her own life.
In simple terms, teach her that some foods are "good foods" and some are "bad foods" for her.
Turn shopping into a game, letting her select foods that she knows she can eat without having an allergic reaction. Let her bake with gluten-free flour and decorate cakes with dried fruit rather than, for example, smarties, and find alternative recipe4s from health shops that allow meals to be fun. Brief her school teachers and friends' parents when she visits about her allergies.
If necessary, pack a snack box containing her own safe food, so that she knows that she has an alternative to the food on offer.
When you are with her at parties or at friend's homes, help her to select the foods that are safe for her to eat. In this way, you are empowering her to become independent, even at this young age.
She may grow out of these allergies as she moves into puberty, but in the meantime, lots of healthy eating will pave the way for a healthy lifestyle.
For healthy eating ideas, read Savvy Kids Menus by Sarah and Rupert McKerron with Linda McCourt or Savvy Kids Food by Sarah and Rupert McKerron.
