Q: I have two boys aged nine and seven and a half. Their behaviour is so out of control, I don't know what to do. The other boy has resorted to searching and emptying my wallet, lying and whining about everything. he is selfish and rude, especially to me in front of others. his brother is no better. They choose to ignore you when you speak to them and my frustration has caused me to lose my temper on more than one occasion. I desperately need advice on how to instil values such as respect, manners and appreciation.
A: Your children's behaviour is telling you that they are unhappy with the family setup. Children who feel neglected will do anything to gain the attention of their parents in the form of good or bad behaviour - whatever works.
Because of your long working day, during the limited time you do have together you are all tired and fractious. While you try to compensate for your non-availability with extramurals and everything they could need, things never compensate for time with you. However, the boys are old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, being polite and impolite, and you need to take control.
First, I would have a frank discussion with each of them about honesty. If they tell lies, steal or are rude, there needs to be a consequence - for example, no TV or computer games that day, something you know they will miss. They will start to respect you only when you instil honesty and discipline into their daily lives with consistency and love.
Organise a daily chart of what they have to do, such as homework, preparing their school bag for the next day, tyding up their toys and getting ready for their bath when asked to. Praise them when they do these tasks and when they follow instructions timeously.
Enforce a daily routine and don't let them enjoy the fun part until the task is completed. Plan activities to do together at the weekend which are a shared experience. It doesn't have to be an expensive treat, just some dedicated time together: A picnic at the park or riding bikes together. Last, make sure you and your husband work together in this new regime.
Q: My daughter started Grade 1 this year. At the same time, she started wetting her bed again on some nights. She seems so ashamed. Help!
A: Neither you nor your daughter should feel ashamed. Intermittent bed-wetting is a common problem, affecting up to 25% of children - boys and girls equally - in the five to seven age group.
Many children who were dry at night will regain control again without medical treatment. However, your doctoer can rule out infections or abnormalities with a few simple tests.
Once physical causes have been ruled out, do the following:
* Assess what is going on in your daughter's life.
* Keep a diary of what she eats and drinks, particularly during the latter part of the the day. However, curtailing her liquid intake can lead to other problems so a moderate intake is important.
* Talk to her about what happened at school that day and confer with her teacher to ensure there are no undue stressors at school.
In this way you will obtain an objective picture of what is happening.
When she wets her bed, do not make a fuss or scold her. Help her freshen up and change the bed. Settle her back to sleep as quickly as possible.
After a few weeks of keeping the diary, you might see patterns of behaviour emerging. You can then explore what to change.
If making changes to diet and routine doesn't help, talk to your doctor.
Praise your daughter for her "dry nights" and make light of failures. The less intense you are, the less anxious she will be and the greater the chance of success.
Q: My daughter, 12, is forever telling tales on her older brother. It seems that she cannot resolve a single issue herself without telling me that he hasn't done his homework, he is not sharing the computer, and so on. She seems to delight in trying to get him into trouble, and she "falls apart" when he appears to be being selfish. I am fed up with all her whining. How do I get her to stop?
A: This is the golden age of right and wrong. If you ever needed a watchdog, a policeman and a judge, this is the phase where you can get all the information free. But this behaviour becomes irritating, as you have found out; it does not endear her to family or friends, and will certainly not bring out the best attitude in her brother.
Your role is two-fold: to empathise with how your daughter is feeling about the particular situation, which will also help her calm down, and then to coach her into how to resolve the situation herself, if that is appropriate.
First, get her to weigh up if it is appropriate for her to be telling you what her brother appears to be doing wrong - not doing his homework is really none of her business and therefore there's no need for her to "spy" on him.
However, when he has "borrowed" her pen, glue or ruler and has not returned the item, she has a "right" to feel upset.
You need to help her plan how to approach her brother to reclaim her belongings. These are important life lessons in standing up for herself that she is learning. Hang in there ... this phase will soon pass as she moves into the teens.
Q: I have been an au pair with this family for four years. All of a sudden their son, now eight, has changed into this monster who shouts at me, throws tantrums and throws anything he can find. His parents say we have to teach him what is right and wrong. What should I do?
A: You know the family well, so this sudden change of behaviour is quite disconcerting. Some research is required to get to the root of the problem. Has anybody new come to stay or visit - a new staff member (minder or gardener)? Have granny/grandpa come to stay? Has there been a death in the family? Has he changed school or class recently? Does he have a new teach? Is someone bullying him at school?
Fear often elicits anger; and when a child (partcularly a boy) does not know how to verbalise his fear, he will be verbally aggressive and physical.
It is important that you do not take his anger personally. When he is angry, take him to a separate room and sit with him.
You may have to avoid flying objects, kicking, etcetera, but do not leave him. You need to help him get to the root of his anger by talking. It is all right to be angry, but it is how one acts out one's anger that matters.
Lashing out is not acceptable. When he has calmed down, he must apologize to all those he has hurt. If he is not prepared to apologise, he cannot come out. The tough part is, neither can you.
Q: I AM struggling to get my sons to sleep in their own room - they are seven and six. I have tried bribery, competitions to be good and a "good-chart" where they get a present for the number of days that they sleep alone. It has now reached the stage where my husband and I sleep in different rooms to accommodate them. Help please!
A: You imply that this night-time mis-behaviour has been going on for sometime and you have tried to modify it. I, therefore assume that their bedtime antics do not have an underlying cause such as trauma. If there is something traumatic, organise some counselling through the Family and Marriage Association of South Africa which can be contacted on 011 788 4784.
Your boys have you wrapped around their little finger. You "accommodate them"! You and your husband need to work as a team.
I presume your children share a room. This is a less than desirable situation to put stringent boundaries in place. First, take their toys and any electronic gadgets out of their bedroom. The bedroom is for sleeping. If it is possible to give them their own bedrooms, now is the time to do so.
Although close in age, give the older son a slightly later bedtime (20 to 30 minutes later than his brother). This will give the 6 year old some one-on-one time with a parent for a bedtime story and a quiet chat. If he has not fallen asleep by the time the 7 year old is due to go to bed, give him a story time in your bed and let him fall asleep there. Transfer him once his brother is asleep. Move him at least an hour before you go to bed so that you know he is settled before you go to bed. If they are not ready to sleep, let them read quietly in their beds with a bed light. Do not let them out of their rooms or allow them to play with their toys. A strict routine is non-negotiable!
They can "police" each other to ensure they are doing the right thing at the right time. As your reward system has had little or no effect, rather explain that if they want to do well at school, they need to go sleep. Praise them for the good nights.
Q: My seven year old son is very hyperactive, talks incessantly and he always disturbs class. How do I stop this bad behaviour?
A: It is important to understand the difference between a busy child who is very active and a child who is specifically "hyperactive". The hyperactive child will battle to concentrate, will not be able to sit still and will constantly be demanding attention and interaction; he will battle to complete a task because he is distracted by whatever is happening around him. Your child's behaviour is not "bad behaviour" out of choice; however, it needs to be managed by you and the teachers working together. Consistency between home and school is vital.
He is old enough for you to discuss his behaviour with him directly. He may not realize that he is disrupting the class. He shoud not betreated as the "naughty child" but rather his disruptive behaviour needs to be managed. When the teacher sees him beginning to lose concentration, she needs to re-focus him onto the next task. He needsto be praised when he does not disrupt a class and completes tasks. If your child has not yet been assessed for hyperactivity, this maybe appropriate to do. Ritalin is often prescribed to help the truly hyperactive child to focus. For some children this has been a "miracle medication" enabling the child's behaviour to be more manageable. However, there are known side effects so this is not the perfect solution for every child. Some believe the hyperactivity can be controlled by cdiet and good management. You might find it useful to contact ADHASA (www.adhasa.co.za), which runs monthly meetings for parents and teachers working with hyperactive children.
Q: My son, aged 7, is very cheeky and is always "back chatting" me. I know it's a phase but I am exasperated with him. I have tried a star chart to reward his good behaviour but it doesn't seem to help. What can I do?
A: You must address this behaviour immediately. Tell him that you feel hurst and angry when he talks to you badly and that you will not let anyone talk to you in this manner. Explain to him that you know that he may be upset sometimes, but that does not permit him to be rude and disrespectful to his mother.
It is important to encourage your child to give his opinion, express his feelings however how he expresses himself is key. When he is angy or upset, listen to him and reflect the emotion he is feeling as well as what he is upset about. So you could say "Wow, I can hear you feel very sad about this ... or .... angry about that ... How can I help? But you must stop his disrespectful behaviour. This may mean that you have to remove him from the room for a period of time (5 to 10 minutes) until he is ready to behave in an acceptable manner. This disciplinary response needs to happen immediately. Do not take the approach of "wait till your father gets home".
Praise his good manners and positive interaction for example when he asks you for something in a polite manner, you can respond by saying "Thank you for asking so nicely" or "thank you for being Mommy's helper" and reward with a big hug! Look for daily opportunities to praise him and you will turn his behaviour around!
Q: I am exasperated by my children (aged 10, 8 and 5) who take "state of the art" lunch boxes to school and bring 90% of it back home untouched! How can I get them to eat properly?
A: Eating habits are established very young in life, by 12 months old children have already begun to understand about flavours, textures and established likes and dislikes. You may have even let mealtimes become a battleground due to the fact that you think they must eat everything that you give them! The best way to establish healthy eating havits is to lead by example, so share mealtimes together. Give them some choice in what they can have to eat. From when you start making lunch boxes for your children, get them involved in making it. Give them a variety of healthy, preferably raw foodsto choose from. Let them make their own sandwich, choose their own fruit and juice. At the age and stage your children are at, you can explain to them the imporatnceof feeding the brain properly so they can concentrate properly at achool. Research with them the values of the differing food types. The more you involve the children the more likely they are to eat the contents of their lunch box.
Q: I am an au pair. I have been working for my employers for six weeks. The children are seven and ten years old.
I am the third au pair the family has employed this year. I was determined to stay, but now I am not so sure. The boys have no manners. They are disrespectful and spoilt. If I say they must do their homework before they watch TV or play on the computer, they defy me by doing it anyway or phoning their parents and then saying they have been given permission - even though I was instructed otherwise. When I collect the seven year old, he often refuses to get into the car. I try to turn it into a game, but he won't play. Eventually, after my begging and pleasding, he gets into the car. When the parents get home, they want to know how the day has been, but don't seem to care about their behaviour. It is impossible.
A: Children who have had to deal with a lot of change (three au pairs in five months counts as a lot of change in a young child's life) will act out rather than verbalise how they feel. Thwy should he trust you when two other au pairs have left already this year? He is angry. He might also be trying to tell his parents that he wants time with them rather than with an au pair. First, meet the parents. You need their support. Then, have a one-on-one chat with the seven year old. Work out with him what must happen each day and then plan a list of actvities that he enjoys. When his homework is finished, let him choose an activity. Explain that, if he wants to do fun things during the day, he needs to be polite. Guide him and praise him when he has been polite, respectful and helpful. You need to shwo him that his behaviour is not chasing you away. Be firm, be consistent and he will, in time, learn to trust you and stop testing you. Include the brother in all the above activities.
