Q: My daughter is 16 and has a boyfriend. She is getting distressed because every time they make a plan to see each other, my husband gets in a state. He thinks she is too young to be dating and is not comfortable that she goes to her boyfriend's house. He also does not want to do all the lifting. I find myself in the middle of all these debates. What is the right thing to do. I can see both sides.
A: First, what you are experiencing is normal for all parents of teenagers. Teenagers are finding out "who they are" through their peer relationships and what is important to them. They naturally challenge all the boundaries that have been unchallenged until now.
Fathers sometimes battle to accept that their duaghters are maturing, and that instead of "worshiping" their father, they start to take an interest in their male peers. Fathers often feel the loss of this bond and attention.
Instead of fighting a normal process, it would be in the best interests of your family that Dad starts to face the reality that this little girl is growing up and supports her.
Teenagers generally will be open to negotiation if their needs are being honestly considered; however, if your daughter is going to be "banned" from dating by her Dad, this will only encourage her to become secretive about her social life.
Encourage your husband to verbalise his fears about your daughter's dating. Discuss what he would find acceptable and make a few decisions that you can both suggest to your daughter as a starting point for coming to accept this new phase of her life.
If the boyfriend is visiting your home, maybe you need to say they can sit in the family rooms, not in bedrooms, until you get to know him better. If in her bedroom, the door must always be ajar if you are concerned about what might happen behind closed doors.
By talking openly about sex, relatioinships and values, you are developing your parent-child relationship and building trust and understanding.
Q: I need help with my girlfriend. I can see she is going through depression. We have a one year old baby. She says she feels lonely. She is always crying and angry with me.
A: What you describe certainly sounds like the classic sysmptoms of depression. This might be diagnosed as postnatal depression because of when the symptoms began, particularly if she is anxious about the baby. Women go through enormous hormonal changes through pregnancy and after birth.
It is essential for your girlfriend to see her doctor. It would be helpful if you were able to go with her as you could give an objective account of her moods and behaviour, which will help the docotor make the correct diagnosis and give the correct treatment.
How can you help?
If you have never suffered from depression yourself, it is difficult to understand what she is going through. You will possibly find yourself thinking or even saying to her, "look at our beautiful baby, count your blessings", or "pull yourself together", or "can't you snap out of it?", but someone suffering from depression can't just switch it off. This approach will make the situation worse, knocking her fragile self-esteem.
Rather, listen to her when she talks about her feelings. You don't need to offer solutions, just an understanding ear. It's not clear whether your baby is in day care or at home with her mohter, but ensure that your baby is not at risk in terms of her mother's vulnerable state.
Your girlfriend may not be motivated to care for herself, so ensure she is eating a nutritious diet, drinking fluids regularly and getting enough rest, including a proper night's sleep. If your baby is wakeful, it would be better for you to respond and let your girlfriend sleep undisturbed, when possible.
Don't be critical of her, and give her unconditional love and support as she tries to get beyond the "dark place" she feels she is in.
Contact PNDSA (Postnatal Depression South Africa) at www.pndsa.co.za for a support group near your.
Q: My friend went to delivery a gift at her sister's home. Everyone was out except the domestic worker and her grandson, who is two. As my friend walked into the garden, she noticed something in the pool. It was the domestic worker's grandson. She tried CPR, managed to get an ambulance and they brought him round a couple of times, but he died within the hour. The whole family is ripped apart by this experience. What can we do to help?
A: This is a tragic story and one that is sadly repeated over and over again in South Africa.
So many will be affected by this experience and it would be a good idea for them all to go for counselling. The domestic worker who had been entrusted to care for the grandchild and the employer's family who seemed so fond of the little boy will need support in different ways. Friends and family need to allow each individual to grieve in their own way and in their own time.
What can we learn from this tragedy?
Though the employer's family had outgrown the need to take pool safety measures, this situation highlights the need for vigilance about safety at all times. One can never predict when a non-swimmer will be on site.
Netcare's statistics show that most drowinings happen in pools inland, most often when there is an adult who is supposed to be supervising the child/ren.
Many layers of pool protection need to be in place: first, a pool net; second, a secure fence with a lockable gate; third, a surface alarm; and fourth, parents and/or a childminder who is vigilant and trained in CPR.
Let this tragic story be a reminder to all pool owners to make safety more important than aesthetics.
Q: I am a worried mother. My daughter has been looking for a job, and it seems like she is now losing hope.
What has horrified me is a suicide note I found in her diary. She studied graphic design at tertiary level, and has a range of other administration skills. Is there somewhere I can take her for help - or even voluntary work, just to keep her busy?
A: While there are many young people who have similar experiences trying to find work after completing their studies, some cope with the searching process better than others.
It would seem her self-confidence and sense of self worth have been battered in this process. However, there may be other issues at stake as well, such as her relationships with her peers and family members.
You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with her so that she knows you are on her side. If her sense of desperation is real and not a passing thought, she would benefit from some counselling. A visit to your GP, who can refer you to appropriate support in your area, would be the next step.
Find out what she is passionate about. Perhaps she could ask for work experience in a graphic design firm, for example, on a voluntary basis. Alternatively, she could offer her skills and time to design a newsletter for a school, church or NGO.
Reading your daughter's diary has given you insight into how depressed she has been feeling, which has spurred you to get help for her, but it is also an invasion of her pricacy (unless she gave the diary to you to read?).
She needs to be able to trust you above all people right now. With guidance and support, she will eventually get beyond this point.
Q: My mom and stepdad keep on changing the rules about when I can see my friends after school and at weekends. Just when I have arranged to see my boyfriend, who is also in matric, I get a call to say I have to be home for the whole evening or that he can come to my house, but I cannot go to his. I never know where I stand and I am sure my boyfriend is going to get sick of their silly rules.
A: I under your frustration. Some clear discussion is needed between you and your parents. Firstly, I imagine that because you are in matric, your parents are concerned because they want your studies to be your priority this year. However, it is impossible to have your head buried in your books all the time. A balance between studying and relaxing with friends is important.
Try to have a discussion with your parents about maintaining a balance and see if you can reach an agreement about when you go out or have friends around. You know whether you spent enough time studying in grade 11 and how much you need to do to achieve your goals for matric.
Based on that reality, you can try to come to an agreement about whether you can go out once or more at the weekends and how much of Saturday and Sunday needs to be spent studying.
I would think it would be fair to be able to go out one evening of the weekend and, depending on your subjects and other interests, perhaps have a study group at some point at weekends as well. During the holidays, you could increase the time spent with friends once you have worked out a study timetable.
If your parents see that you are taking your studies seriously, they may let you have some relaxation time with friends. This is an important year which will have an impact on the rest of your life.
Q: The newspapers are full of stories about preparing for your child's first day at school. But how do you prepare for your first day back at work? I had my first baby in December and will be going back to work just after Easter. The thought of leaving my baby with someone else is scary.
A: Your distress is not uncommon at this early stage of parenthood, so don't be alarmed. Do some research and planning during these intervening weeks and you will be able to return to work with relative peace of mind.
It's important to work out a budget for child care and make an informed choice about the type of care you want to use. There are two major types to choose from: group care in a centre, or one-on-one care in your home. The quality of care you choose will have a great impact on your child in his early years as it is the foundation of future learning.
Having a consistent care giver for your baby creates the greatest stability for him. It is can take place in your own home in the early years, it will certainly minimise the stress for all of you as he will remain in a familiar environment. You will remain in control of his daily routines as you will be3 able to instruct your care giver what to do with your baby each day.
I suggest you use a reputable agency to source a candidate and conduct a number of interviews before making a decision. Then spend a number of days together so you can settle your baby with the nanny/childminder before you return to work.
If you go the group-care route, visit a number of centres to compare what is provided by each. The staff/child ratio is key to the quality of care. Ideally, it is 1:3 in the infant group. It is important to spend time in all the classrooms so that you can observe how the children relate to the staff and vice versa.
In the infant section, it is particularly important to investigate the level of hygiene and ascertain the availablility of educational toys. Are there inside and outside shaded areas for play? Are there individual cots? Will your choice of formula and diet be followed? Is there dfevelopmental play programme implemented daily? Check what qualifications the staff have and whether they are trained in infant CPR.
Research shows that the qualifications and experience of your care giver will have a direct impact upon all areas of your baby's development. At the end of the day, you must feel comfortable with the person looking after your baby. If you are calm, your baby will be contenct and will thrive in the attention of his care giver.
Q: My husband died two years ago. My children were three and five and I was 35. My youngest would often ask: "Where is Daddy?" and I'd answer: "He has gone to be with Jesus in heaven," and that seemed enough to settle her. However, lately, she has been asking more questions. When she persists, I want to scream at her to "shut up!" and I often end up crying. Help!
A: Young children experience the world in a very concrete way. They need to see and touch to make it "real". At the age of three, she was accepting of your explanation. Now, she is aware that most of her friends have daddy's and she doesn't.
At the time, you had to be strong for your children, so it may be only now that you are beginning to grieve yourself. The desperation you feel is a blend of physical exhaustion from your day and mental emotional exhaustion as you parent alone in addition to feeling grief.
It is important to share your sadness with your children in a simple way. Hold your daughter close and tell her, "I miss Daddy, too." But you can add, "but we still have each other, that is important".
I suggest you see a grief counsellor who might suggest some family conselling to help your children too.
A good way to help pre-schoolers deal with trauma is to make a scrapbook with them about the person or incident. It helps them talk about their feelings.
Counselling services: Lifeline 011 728 1347 or 0861 322 322; Family Life Centre 011 788 4784; Rosebank Union Church Counselling Centre 011 783 4742.
Q. I fired my maid today because I overheard her saying to my three year old son "I'll cut your fingers off if you take that cake". He ran away crying and it took forever to calm him down. Last week I reprimanded her for telling my older son who is five, "that if he didn't go to sleep the monster would come and take him away". These are horrible things to say to little children and how am I supposed to ever trust someone with my children again.
A: I agree wholeheartedly that these kinds of threats are terrible things to say to young children to try and "scare" them into behaving. Generally, adults or parent will (or care) for children as they were raised unless they have been educated about a different way. So there is a good chance that the maid that you fired today, was raised by someone who threatened her if she did not behave in the required fashion and hence has repeated the process with your children. Training could have enlightened her to the fact that pre-school children live in a "concrete world". In other words, a three year old would believe that she would really cut off his fingers. She might have said to him she was joking. Nevertheless, he does not interpret it that way.
It will take time for you to trust again. I would suggest that when you hire a new caregive, you use a reputable agency. Ensure that the person has completed a basic child care course and check references. Ask them in the interview, "What would you say if my child did not want to go to bed for a nap, or did not want to follow an instruction?". Experienced domestic childminders would understand the importance or what you say and how you say things to children have a lasting effect on them. That you can turn a stubborn tired toddler around by turning the bath-time instruction into a game or a race without any cruel words.
When you appoint a new maid ensure that you are able to be around for a few days to orientate her into your home. This will also give you time to observe how she relates to your children and they to her.
Q: My daughter is about to have her first baby and I would appreciate it if you could recommend a good book that would cover the questions that are most likely to come up in the next couple of years.
A: In our grandmothers' day, it was Dr Spock that "everyone had to read", in my college days, it was Hugh Jolly. By the time I was a new parent in the late 1980's, Penelope Leach had superceded him and now we have the Internet. I don't believe there is one book for all time, but rather, as children develop, different books fulfil different needs.
Understanding normal child development and gaining practical guidance in all the daily tasks of dealing with nappy rash, sterilising bottles, play, sleep, social behaviour, childhood illnesses and much more will be answered by one of the British guru's, Mirriam Stoppard, in her book Complete Baby & Childcare; Everything You Need To Know For The First Five Years.
Baby Sense is one of our home-grown books, written by Anne Richardson, a registered midwife in private practice and Megan Faure,an occupational therapist, who have studied hundreds of moms and infants in the early weeks of life. This book will guide new parents into tuning into their infant. It is filled with practical advice on feeding and sleeping as well as establishing age-appropriate routines. You can now buy Todder Sense and Sleep Sense in the same series. An essential read! Toddler Taming: A Paren's Guide to the First Four Years by Christopher Green is a book that is definitely worth having to hand.
Q: I am a single mom of two teenagers. My 17 year old daughter is in matric and her matric dance is scheduled for a month's time. She has big ideas about what she will wear, but I am cringing at the cost. I am the sole provider for my children and my income is already over-stretched on our monthly expenses. I don't know what to do as I don't want to disappoint her.
A: While your daughter is caught up in all the excitement about the matric dance, I am sure she is also aware of your family's financial predicament. We do not do our children any favours by spoiling them materially and, in the process, creating overwhelming debt for ourselves. Rather, think creatively about how she can feel like a million dollars without breaking the bank.
There are lots of upmarket, secondhand stores into whose care Joburg socialites have entrusted their dresses - which, of course, they cannot possibly wear a second time! Your daughter could select from a vast array of outfits. Another option is to borrow from a friend or relative; girls often swap everyday clothes, so why not matric dance dresses? A further alternative is to make a dress. If you don't have the skills to do this, you could ask a friend or relative who does whether she might be willing to do it for free or in exchange for something you could do for her. Hiring an outfit is another option, but it could be almost as expensive as purchasing one.
Teenage girls love helping one another do hair, make-up and nails, so make the most of what they do naturally.
Have a frank discussion with your daughter about what you can and cannot afford and then start working creatively together, planning how you will organise her outfit, assuring her of your love and wishes for a fabulous evening.
Q: I am an au pair. I have been working for my employers for six weeks. The children are seven and 10.
I am the third au pair the family has employed this year. I was determined to stay, but now I am not so sure. The boys have no manners. They are disrespectful and spoilt. If I say they must do their homework before they watch TV or play on the computer, they defy me by doing it anyway or phoning their parents and then saying they have been given permission - even though I was instructed otherwise. When I collect the seven-year-old, he often refuses to get into the car. I try to turn it into a game, but he won't play. Eventually, after my begging and pleading, he gets into the car. When the parents get home, they want to know how the day has been, but don't seem to care about their behaviour. It is impossible.
A: Children who have had to deal with a lot of change (three au pairs in five months counts as a lot of change in a young child's life) will act out rather than verbalise how they feel. Why should he trust you when two other au pairs have left already this year? He is angry. He might also be trying to tell his parents that he wants time with them rather than with an au pair. First, meet the parents. You need their support. Then, have a one-on-one chat with the seven-year-old. Work out with him what must happen each day and then plan a list of activities that he enjoys. When his homework is finished, let him choose an activity. Explain that, if he wants to do fun things during the day, he needs to be polite. Guide him and praise him when he has been polite, respectful and helpful. You need to show him that his behaviour is not chasing you away. Be firm, be consistent and he will, in time, learn to trust you and stop testing you. Include the brother in all the above activities.
Q: My son is 15 and in Grade 10. He has just written his mid-year exams. He would always say he was studying when he was in his bedroom, but when I walked in, I would find him writing on Facebook or sending text messages. The exam results are now out and his marks are bad. He declares that they were tested on work they had not covered in class, but I don't believe it is possible for that to be the case for every subject. What can I do to make him take school work seriously?
A: Your lament describes the heartfelt concern of many parents. By the time our children reach high school, the foundation of their learning is already in place. In their primary years, it is possible to assist them in revising for tests and exams, but by Grade 10, they need to take responsibility for completing work. If you think your son is capable of doing better, talk to his teachers and be prepared to send him to extra lessons. Children usually want to succeed and achieve. Low exam marks can be the impetus teenagers need to become motivated if they have been taking a too-casual approach. Talk to him about his dreams for the future and what career he wants to pursue, so you can help him put the right building blocks in place. Suggest he spends time job shadowing someone in his chosen career. Ensure, however, that you do not pressurise him to do something that is not realistic. Praise him for all that he has achieved. Remember, you are not writing the exams, he has to take responsibility.
Q: There is always excitement when my in-laws come to stay, but I dread it because it seems I can never be good enough. When we are on our own, my husband is supportive and we are a happy family. Everything changes when my in-laws come to visit. What can I do so that I don't feel so out of control?
A: Grandparents play an important role in a family - giving children a sense of where they came from, of their immediate history.
Children look forward to some extra attention from doting grandparents. Perhaps in preparation for their next visit, share with your husband how insecure you feel when they visit you and ask him to step into the gap.
If his parents were to hear the praise he showers on you when they are not there, they might begin to notice the person you really are and the positive things you do.
Also, assert yourself: inform them what is going to happen each day, ask if they want to watch the children's sport or extramurals, and plan outings together.
Make the most of this opportunity to let them be granny and grandpa, and arrange a bit of time out for yourself.
Let them babysit so that you and your husband can go out on a date.
At the end of the day, they will go home and you will be back to your nuclear family, where you know you are loved and respected.
Q: My daughter is 5 years old and my son 18 months, when does it become inappropriate for me to bath them together?
A: Bathing is a wonderful relaxing fun activity for children at the end of the day. It is also the perfect time for hard working parents to enjoy connecting with their chidren. For as long as your daughter is happy to get into the bath with her little brother then all is well. Children have a natural curiosity about the opposite sex, around the age of two they ahve clearly identified the differences between girls and boys, and in this next phase of the pre-school years, it is important for them to learn the proper names for all the body parts. So turn washing the children into a game, naming the back, foot, knee, penis, leg, bottom, and tummy etc.
It is important to coach your children in understanding that all parts of their bodies are precious and special and not to show to other people. There w3ill come a time when each of your children (around the age of 7) will not want even you to see them naked, respect this social development. If you have taught them in the early years about the importance of personal hygiene, when they reach this stage of wanting privacy, you do not need to worry. Overcome your own embarrassment and deal with their natural curiosity as you would any other enquiry your children make about their world.
Q: Our mornings are such a stressful time of day and everybody gets into a foul mood. I wake my children, ages 13 and 15, just after 6am, knowing that we have to be out by 7.15am. Both children are heavy sleepers, so it takes a few calls to get them going, but by 6.30am my son is usually up and by 7.10am he is faithfully ready with his packed lunch to leave. He hates being late for anything. My 15 year old daughter, by contrast, has worked out to the last second how long she thinks she can stay in bed, then shower, make breakfast and organise a packed lunch, stretching us way beyond the time I plan to leave. If the traffic lights are out or if there is an accident, we are invariably late for school and arrive having had a major argument about how selfish she has been. She appears not to care and my son is hysterical as they are given demerits for late arrival. What can I do to improve matters?
A: What can you do? Leave on time. Families are communities. Just as we have national laws to make us sociable and considerate of others, we need the same in families. Why should your duaghter's behaviour be permitted to have a negative effect on your start to the day, including causing her brother to suffer demerits? She is perfectly capable of reading a clock and knowing the time you plan to leave each day. She is also capable of motivating herself to be ready on time if she knows there are consequences. At the moment, the only consequence is being told off in the car.
What if, however, you said you were leaving at 7.15am and left, whether she was in the car or not? What if she learned the consequence of not being ready on time meant walking to school and telling the principal why she was late? School discipline would kick in with demerits and, possibly, detention. Why should your son have to bear the brunt of discipline when he is ready every day? You probably would have to implement this only once or twice before she gets the message.
Q: I am stepmother to a 14 year old girl. I met her father when she was 11 and we got married when she was 12.
Her mother passed on after a long battle with colon cancer; I never met her. I am a young mom myself, with two boys, aged 12 and 2, the younger from the present marriage.
I am struggling with the daughter, who has no respect for her father or me. She shows no regard for the most basic instructions. I have told her not to call her father a liar and not to walk away from him when he is speaking. I am growing so frustrated that I am considering sending her to boarding school and shipping her off to her mom's sister during school holidays.
I need to protect my boys because she has begun influencing the older one. She is now stealing our cellphones and even her younger brother's food.
A: I hear your frustration! But please re-read your letter. Where is your husband in all of this? For your stepdaughter, whether she sees you as the "intruder" or not is secondary. The key is that you are not her parent. She will look to her father for all decisions, permission and guidelines.
Why is he silent in all these situations? Does it not concern him that she calls him a liar? She is provocative in her behaviour to get a response from him - but all she gets is an irritated response from you.
Sending her to boarding school may temporarily resolve your frustration (by giving you some breathing space) but it certainly won't solve the problem. Your stepdaughter needs to know that she is still important to her father, that he still loves her. Over and above mourning for her mother, which takes different forms for every child, she is coming to terms with the fact that dad has "replaced" her mother. Do your two sons replace her in his affections?
A father plays a key role in an adolescent girl's life. She models all her thinking about boys and a future husband on her father. She needs to know that she matters to him and has his approval, as his child and as a young woman.
Chat to your husband privately about her behaviour and why he seems not to respond. Does he not even see it because you are so quick to criticise her behaviour? Or has he abrogated his responsibility as a parent because it's easier for a more assertive parent to discipline the children? Until you step back and let your husband address his relationship with his duaghter, little will change.
Hopefully a counsellor can guide all of you through this transition period.
Primary Age
Q: My daughter, 12, is forever telling tales on her older brother. It seems that she cannot resolve a single issue herself without telling me that he hasn't done his homework, he is not sharing the computer, and so on. She seems to delight in trying to get him into trouble, and she "falls apart" when he appears to be being selfish. I am fed up with all her whining. How do I get her to stop?
A: This is the golden age of right and wrong. If you ever needed a watchdog, a policeman and a judge, this is the phase where you can get all the information free. But this behaviour becomes irritating, as you have found out; it does not endear her to family or friends, and will certainly not bring out the best attitude in her brother.
Your role is two-fold: to empathise with how your daughter is feeling about the particular situation, which will also help her calm down, and then to coach her into how to resolve the situation herself, if that is appropriate.
First, get her to weigh up if it is appropriate for her to be telling you what her brother appears to be doing wrong - not doing his homework is really none of her business and therefore there's no need for her to "spy" on him.
However, when he has "borrowed" her pen, glue or ruler and has not returned the item, she has a "right" to feel upset.
You need to help her plan how to approach her brother to reclaim her belongings. These are important life lessons in standing up for herself that she is learning. Hang in there ... this phase will soon pass as she moves into the teens.
Q: I have been an au pair with this family for four years. All of a sudden their son, now eight, has changed into this monster who shouts at me, throws tantrums and throws anything he can find. His parents say we have to teach him what is right and wrong. What should I do?
A: You know the family well, so this sudden change of behaviour is quite disconcerting. Some research is required to get to the root of the problem. Has anybody new come to stay or visit - a new staff member (minder or gardener)? Have granny/grandpa come to stay? Has there been a death in the family? Has he changed school or class recently? Does he have a new teach? Is someone bullying him at school?
Fear often elicits anger; and when a child (partcularly a boy) does not know how to verbalise his fear, he will be verbally aggressive and physical.
It is important that you do not take his anger personally. When he is angry, take him to a separate room and sit with him.
You may have to avoid flying objects, kicking, etcetera, but do not leave him. You need to help him get to the root of his anger by talking. It is all right to be angry, but it is how one acts out one's anger that matters.
Lashing out is not acceptable. When he has calmed down, he must apologize to all those he has hurt. If he is not prepared to apologise, he cannot come out. The tough part is, neither can you.
Q: I AM struggling to get my sons to sleep in their own room - they are seven and six. I have tried bribery, competitions to be good and a "good-chart" where they get a present for the number of days that they sleep alone. It has now reached the stage where my husband and I sleep in different rooms to accommodate them. Help please!
A: You imply that this night-time mis-behaviour has been going on for sometime and you have tried to modify it. I, therefore assume that their bedtime antics do not have an underlying cause such as trauma. If there is something traumatic, organise some counselling through the Family and Marriage Association of South Africa which can be contacted on 011 788 4784.
Your boys have you wrapped around their little finger. You "accommodate them"! You and your husband need to work as a team.
I presume your children share a room. This is a less than desirable situation to put stringent boundaries in place. First, take their toys and any electronic gadgets out of their bedroom. The bedroom is for sleeping. If it is possible to give them their own bedrooms, now is the time to do so.
Although close in age, give the older son a slightly later bedtime (20 to 30 minutes later than his brother). This will give the 6 year old some one-on-one time with a parent for a bedtime story and a quiet chat. If he has not fallen asleep by the time the 7 year old is due to go to bed, give him a story time in your bed and let him fall asleep there. Transfer him once his brother is asleep. Move him at least an hour before you go to bed so that you know he is settled before you go to bed. If they are not ready to sleep, let them read quietly in their beds with a bed light. Do not let them out of their rooms or allow them to play with their toys. A strict routine is non-negotiable!
They can "police" each other to ensure they are doing the right thing at the right time. As your reward system has had little or no effect, rather explain that if they want to do well at school, they need to go sleep. Praise them for the good nights.
Q: My seven year old son is very hyperactive, talks incessantly and he always disturbs class. How do I stop this bad behaviour?
A: It is important to understand the difference between a busy child who is very active and a child who is specifically "hyperactive". The hyperactive child will battle to concentrate, will not be able to sit still and will constantly be demanding attention and interaction; he will battle to complete a task because he is distracted by whatever is happening around him. Your child's behaviour is not "bad behaviour" out of choice; however, it needs to be managed by you and the teachers working together. Consistency between home and school is vital.
He is old enough for you to discuss his behaviour with him directly. He may not realize that he is disrupting the class. He shoud not betreated as the "naughty child" but rather his disruptive behaviour needs to be managed. When the teacher sees him beginning to lose concentration, she needs to re-focus him onto the next task. He needsto be praised when he does not disrupt a class and completes tasks. If your child has not yet been assessed for hyperactivity, this maybe appropriate to do. Ritalin is often prescribed to help the truly hyperactive child to focus. For some children this has been a "miracle medication" enabling the child's behaviour to be more manageable. However, there are known side effects so this is not the perfect solution for every child. Some believe the hyperactivity can be controlled by cdiet and good management. You might find it useful to contact ADHASA (www.adhasa.co.za), which runs monthly meetings for parents and teachers working with hyperactive children.
Q: My son, aged 7, is very cheeky and is always "back chatting" me. I know it's a phase but I am exasperated with him. I have tried a star chart to reward his good behaviour but it doesn't seem to help. What can I do?
A: You must address this behaviour immediately. Tell him that you feel hurst and angry when he talks to you badly and that you will not let anyone talk to you in this manner. Explain to him that you know that he may be upset sometimes, but that does not permit him to be rude and disrespectful to his mother.
It is important to encourage your child to give his opinion, express his feelings however how he expresses himself is key. When he is angy or upset, listen to him and reflect the emotion he is feeling as well as what he is upset about. So you could say "Wow, I can hear you feel very sad about this ... or .... angry about that ... How can I help? But you must stop his disrespectful behaviour. This may mean that you have to remove him from the room for a period of time (5 to 10 minutes) until he is ready to behave in an acceptable manner. This disciplinary response needs to happen immediately. Do not take the approach of "wait till your father gets home".
Praise his good manners and positive interaction for example when he asks you for something in a polite manner, you can respond by saying "Thank you for asking so nicely" or "thank you for being Mommy's helper" and reward with a big hug! Look for daily opportunities to praise him and you will turn his behaviour around!
Q: I am exasperated by my children (aged 10, 8 and 5) who take "state of the art" lunch boxes to school and bring 90% of it back home untouched! How can I get them to eat properly?
A: Eating habits are established very young in life, by 12 months old children have already begun to understand about flavours, textures and established likes and dislikes. You may have even let mealtimes become a battleground due to the fact that you think they must eat everything that you give them! The best way to establish healthy eating havits is to lead by example, so share mealtimes together. Give them some choice in what they can have to eat. From when you start making lunch boxes for your children, get them involved in making it. Give them a variety of healthy, preferably raw foodsto choose from. Let them make their own sandwich, choose their own fruit and juice. At the age and stage your children are at, you can explain to them the imporatnceof feeding the brain properly so they can concentrate properly at achool. Research with them the values of the differing food types. The more you involve the children the more likely they are to eat the contents of their lunch box.
Q: My life is in chaos. I get home at about 6pm, having picked the children up from creche en route from work. When I collect them, it's a fight to get them into the car, then it's a fight to geth them out of the car, then it's a fight to geth them into the bath. For the sake of peace and quiet, I give them anything they want for supper.
Their dad gets home when I am trying to get them into bed and then, it's even worse, my five year old son wants to play with his dad. Invariably, he will get him all hyped up while I am giving our little girl her last bottle of the day and trying to settle her. Then I have to make supper for my husband and me. I am permanently exhausted. Help!
A: Your cry is that of every working mom. You are not alone! So how does one not end up in this state every night? You need to take control of the situation and to do that, you need to do some planning.
Analyse the process from creche to children's bedtime and work out what is essential and what is non-essential:
Children's safety in the car
Children's supper
Bedtime
These three are the things that must happen, but how they happen is key to whether you are in a state of chaos or not. Try to collect the children as early as possible so that they will be less tired and ask the teacher to ensure that they have an afternoon nap so that they are not exhausted at home. Prepare a snack for them in the car.
At the weekend, plan a week's menu of suppers so that you minimise the preparation process. Possibly, make a fresh supper for yourselves each evening and keep a postion for the children, so that you only have to heat a meal for them each night, thus being able to feed them quickly.
Bath time can be fun and relaxes children. This can lead to the last drink of the day and story time.
Discuss with your husband the fact that the end of day routine is a process of slowing and quietening down and emphasises that his part in it is important. Rather than exciting the children, he should assist in quietening them down. A story in bed with your son and anon-negotiable lights-out time will save the day, leaving you and your husband a bit of time for each other.
Q: I recently returned to work after maternity leave.
I was promised by my line manager that I could arrange flexi-time so that I could work around the day-care operating times. Before I had my baby I was working beyong my stipulated hours; now I want to work my contracted eight hours and go home. Everyone in my team makes me feel so guilty because in their minds I am leaving early. I am also worried I will be unfairly treated in my annual appraisal.
A: This is a common experience, it seems, in the corporate world. South Africa is triving to catch up with developed countries in the field of "work/life balance". Forward thinking businesses have wellness programmes with flexi-hours, health and fitness programmes on site, and even child care for infants and pre-school children. However, many do not.
Formalise the arrangments made with your line manager in writing - an addendum to your employment contact. Your colleagues need to be officially informed of your new arrangement. Strive not to take their negative comments to heart; complete your work in the designated time, go home, and be as good a mom as you know how. Rest in the knowledge that one day your colleagues might face the challenges of juggling parenthood and career.
