What a child needs is... significance, security, acceptance, love, praise, discipline and God Part 2: Children need security Thoughtful parents want to build security for their children and reduce the number of experiences, which create security.  CONDITIONS THAT CREATE INSECURITY Parental conflict: if there is tension and constant quarrelling between parents, this causes a deep sense of insecurity in the child. Mobility: Parents that have to move home frequently while their children are young may not always realise the effect that moving has on a child. It can be a very disruptive experience. There is now sense of stability. Lack of proper discipline: the most insecure children come from families where there are no boundaries for their behaviour. Some children may behave as if they have been abused when boundaries are not set. Secretly these children would be relieved if boundaries were put firmly in place. If they knew that "No meant NO" even though they push and try to persuade parents to give into their every whim! Boundaries = sense of security =Mom and Dad care about me! Absence of parents: If parents are not around to take part in the every day activities it builds up a sense of insecurity. Continual criticism: causes a fear of failure, a deep sense of incompetence and negative thinking. Children are crushed if they think their parents do not like them, do not have time for them and even more so if they sense parents didn’t want them in the first place! "Things' rather than persons: Children are always thrilled to have gifts and surprises but if things and money seem to arrive in their lap more often than hugs and words of encouragement as the child grows older they can make sense of what is happening, money and gifts are guilt offerings for lack of love and time from the key people in his life. Insecure parents: behind insecure children there is an insecure parent. Nothing is secure for anyone these days. Whether it is the stress of living a city with an exceptionally high crime rate like Johannesburg, talk of the spiralling cost of living etc. Talking infant of your children about topics that they cannot fully understand leaves them with a sense of concern. Chronic complaining by parents will have an effect on the children. Insecure parents often have difficulty providing constant discipline and shift from one extreme to another. Children soon learn to play one parent against the other.  7 STEPS TO BUILDING SECURITY Security between parents: the love that they have for each other is the most important factor. Between the surface of occasional differences (yes nobody is "perfect"!) should always be a sense of of truth and loyalty. A rich and continuing love of parents for child: this is how children acquire a sense of being safe in a strange and new world. Children are extremely sensitive to not being wanted. To feel secure they need to be held, hugged and told they are loved ~ love helps children face whatever comes their way. Family togetherness: Children feel a sense of stability and security when they experience a strong family unity. As you look back on your childhood can you remember family rituals and special shared times? Are you offering similar occasions for your children? Regular times for doing things: a daily schedule for meals and family chores and going to bed builds a healthy relationship between parent and child. Proper discipline: over permissive and indulgent parents who leave their children to the mercy of every passing whim or impulse as a real threat to the child’s sense of security. They never know what is expected of them. Discipline administered fairly and in love brings peace and order to a child’s life. Touching your child: most young mothers realise that their infant needs handling, stroking cuddling and cooing ~ all these are pleasant and soft, reinforcing the sense of security of the infant. The early physical experience with parents, loving hands and arms are imprinted in the child’s mind and while apparently forgotten it has an incredible influence on the child’s ego and sense of self. Holding the child, grasping the child’s hand while walking all these actions help create a feeling of closeness and a solid relationship. This feeling cannot be replaces by lavishing on a child the thing money can buy. A sense of belonging: this is a deep psychological need. Children want to be part of a family, a class a-team, if they sense they don’t belong they feel insecure. Feeling like you belong grows out of an experience of sharing activities, sharing common interests and trusting each other. They feel like they are important when they share in some of the family responsibilities. A sense of belonging is essential for children security and feeling of worth. Email this article to a friend Back to Articles on Child Care...