Children Need to be Accepted by the Significant People in their Life
Parents, who constantly criticise, create a feeling of inadequacy and rejection. A child who experiences constant criticism and the frustration of never being able to please becomes frustrating, which can turn into fear of being able to ever succeed.
No two children are the same and it is a great injustice to compare children. It often starts early in life: "Who sat up first?" "Who walked first?" etc. Continual comparison builds feelings of inferiority, which damages personality development.
Did you make the grade? Did you achieve your goals? Are you now encouraging (pressurising) your child to follow the path you were unable to? Imposing such expectations causes the child to feel unaccepted. One has to err on the side of caution in dangerous situations, however we need to be encouraging our children to try new things so that they can grow and develop. I.e. learning to swim with an adult rather than never allowing him to go near the pool for fear of drowning. Overprotection stifles a child’s ability to grow and develop.
A child can sense even the unspoken anxiousness/desire to have a "model child" ~ trying hard to attain the expected behaviour can fill the child with feelings of inadequacy rather than the self –respect and acceptance. Conversely over indulging the child is not the answer either. Unacceptable behaviour needs to be limited. A feeling of self-acceptance is the essential ingredient for self-confidence and accomplishment.
The following attitudes from you the parent will help your child to have a healthy self-confidence:
Recognise your child as unique: Recognise their different abilities, avoid comparison of children and treat each one as unique. Parents of more than one child need to find the balance of treating the children the same/similar in the way they give treats or home rules but encourage their individuality with their different abilities. Children sense they are unique and appreciated when they feel their parents accept and love them just as they are.
Help children find satisfaction in their achievements: This starts in the early stages of life, congratulating the 12 month old for finishing his food, making a wee in the potty, making a beautiful "scribble" and showing him how proud you are, by sticking the masterpiece on the kitchen wall for all to see! These are all stepping stones of encouragement and acceptance that will enable to him to achieve many greater things in the future.
Let children know you love them, you want them and really enjoy them: Each child is a gift, a precious unique creation he most devastating thing for a child to discover is that he was accident, a financial burden etc Children sense quickly the nature of the parents feelings towards them. When parents take time with their children and share in their interests and activities, you are showing your love in a tangible way, which the child will remember throughout his life.
Accept your child’s friends: Children’s friendships are important to them and they need to feel they can bring their friend’s home anytime. Letting children know their friends are appreciated will add to their own feeling of acceptance.
Maintenance honest and open relationships with your children: To demand perfection is destructive to any relationship, especially for a child whose sense of self is developing. We need to accept our own shortcomings and confess these when appropriate to our children thus teaching they are still accepted when they get it wrong.
Listen to what your children say: Really listening is one of the best ways of saying, "I accept you". True communication depends upon acceptance. If your child is scared of the dark and fusses about going to bed, if you honestly say " I know how you feel, I used to be afraid of the dark too." You will help him overcome the fear. If you call the child a coward and shame the child for being afraid, you let the child feel unacceptable. Rather accept his feelings as normal then you can talk about that fear and he feels heard and understood. Fears talked about lose their terror
Treat children as persons of worth: Children will respect others with the same measure of respect they are given. If you expect your children to be polite and well mannered, you need to show them the same respect; so "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" etc are equally important to be said to your children. Children live up to the reputation expected of them e.g. if you say to others " he is so naughty" he will prove you right. If you praise him for what he has done well and speak well of him to others he will endeavour to continue this behaviour and enjoy your positive response!
Allow children to grow and develop in their own and unique way: Parents often have strong ideas on how the child will measure up in music, sports, intelligence beauty and the like. All of this puts great stress on the child and can have a very negative effect.
Accept the child you have and learn to enjoy him for the very special person that he is. There is so much to enjoy in each child. The time to enjoy and accept a child is during the day in play and activities not after the child is tucked away in bed or after the child has grown and flown the nest!
